Beautify Bit By Bit - Chicoro

You Get to the Crossroads Every Day

2012-01-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

The Crossroads is a mythical place where some say you meet the devil. It represents a decision point. The fact of the matter is that we are constantly making decisions. Evil exists in this world. Many people like to believe that it is something external to ourselves. I tend to think that the Crossroads is the decision point that we come up against every day. The type of decision that you make determines if you make a 'deal with the devil' or if you decide to move forward in the direction that is based on the better part of your humanity.

You see, people destroy other people every day. When you make someone doubt themselves, by talking about someone or criticizing them, you are at the Crossroads and you have made a deal. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. When someone has apologized for doing something wrong and you bring it up again, to make them feel bad about it, to make them doubt, you are at the Crossroads again, making a deal.

I used to be a big fan of horror movies but can't seem to watch them anymore. The ones about evil always had the same element running through them. The evil entity would always try to make the victims or the protagonist doubt who he or she was based upon some past action and/or decision. The evil entity would use guilt and an ambiguous personal situation to make the person falter. "You left your mother alone to die while you were away. Your sister counted on you and you let her be placed in the asylum. You failed her. Had you walked with your little brother to school, he would still be alive today. It's your fault. "

At some point, we are all going to disappoint and let someone down. At some point, we are all not going to be able to be there for someone who may need us. That's not what I am talking about as you cannot control that. I am talking about what you can control.

I am saying that it is important to work hard to not be the reason why someone else doubts him or herself. When someone wrongs you and they apologize, let it go. To throw it in their face makes them doubt and falter in their step. Let them move on and heal, too. When you purposely make someone doubt who they are with your criticism and your reminders, you have not only made a decision at the Crossroad, you have have made a deal.

A core component of evil is self doubt. Although you may not doubt yourself, if you create a situation for another to doubt him or herself, you are adding to the evil that is in this world. Evil doesn't need to come forth large and looming ,swirling in a dust cloud, cloaked in smoke. It creeps quietly as a mouse, clothed in little words that seem harmless.

When you are at the Crossroads, make a decision to continue on your path, the right path. Don't stop and make a deal. Be meticulous with your word and honorable in your actions and decisions. You must be vigilant. Stand guard on the watchtower of your Soul, and protect yourself. You do that by protecting and helping others.

Be on guard and look for others to help and uplift. I was at TJ Maxx in town going down a side aisle. I saw a woman with beautiful creamy skin. Something told me to tell her what I thought. I stopped dead in my tracks and spun on my heel and went one aisle back. I told her, "Your skin is gorgeous." She thanked me and said she needed to hear that. I told her, "Well it's true, you are a beautiful lady." A tear dropped from her eye and she told me that she was missing her family and that she appreciated the compliment." At the Crossroads, I took the right path and made the decision to "move forward" in what I believed was the right direction, even though I literally physically went back to talk to the lady in the store.

I fail, too. I was deeply hurt by someone that I trusted and they committed an act that by anyone's standards, was wrong. But I took that and reminded the person of their mistake every chance I got. When that person was feeling good, I found a way to bring up the event, to remind the person of what they did, to impact that security and safety that person was finding within. I wanted that person to feel the discomfort that I felt by what they had done to me. At the Crossroads, it seems I made a deal, to bring doubt to another person. It doesn't matter if that was not my intent, it was the result.

The next time you get to the Crossroads, I hope you step in the right direction. Uplift those you meet on your journey whether they travel with you for a moment or a lifetime. Make the journey as beautiful as you can, bit by bit, step by step.

Coping with and Leveraging Your Invisibility

2011-10-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

My father grew up in the Jim Crow South in a area on the border between Alabama and Georgia. To make extra money he would caddy on the golf course. His clients were gangsters whose acts were so nefarious , that the president at the time, Dwight Eisenhower, imposed martial law on the city.

My father told me that as his clients were selecting a golf club, hitting a ball or retrieving a ball, they'd be in dicussion. Right in front of him they would say who they killed and where they had dumped that particular body. In their minds, my father was not only unimportant, he didn't count because to them he was invisible.

Fast forward. I noticed a book advertised online. The topic was the economics of beauty. On the cover was a face divided in at least four parts. Each feature on the face was created by a part of a face from a different woman. Not one part of the face had a person with skin the color of a brown or dark woman of African descent. The unspoken message to me was, based on the cover of this book, the economics of beauty didn't even include a black woman. In the equation she didn't even count.

I worked on an international project. It required that I facilitate meetings in the Netherlands and Scotland. Many times as I looked around the table I was the only female and the only black person in the room. I remember going to dinner and I was 'jokingly' relegated to the end of the table, and told to sit and converse with a man who had been deemed as not very personable. Understanding his status as well as mine, he surreptitiously turned his back to me during the meal.

When I lived in Japan I remember sitting with a fellow teacher, listening to him bemoan the fact that he was not able to obtain a high level opportunity in a Japanese corporation because he was white American. I looked at him incredulously as I thought about the opportuntities that had been denied so many people of color in the US because they were not white American. But I guess those people didn't count.

At the university, I remember this young woman was expressing her empathy for the character in a book called, "Black Like Me". The protoganist in this true account colored his skin and masqueraded as a black person. She was moved by the fact that it was so horrible that this white man had been so terribly mistreated in his black skin disguise. I looked at her and said, "But that happenened to black people all the time". She sort of shrugged it off like, "Whatever". I guess real black people didn't count and were not worthy of her empathy.

As the average black woman, not necessarily average looking, you may be invisible to society at a large. It does not mean that this is YOUR percecption of yourself, but that this may be how the world perceives you. In general, in our society, a great deal of a woman's value is based upon how she looks. In modern day society there is a standard of beauty and most black women will never fit that standard. You know what I say, "So what!"

I don't believe that as a black woman you can afford to be color blind. You need to have an idea and an understanding of how others may perceive you. NOT, so that you can internalize debilitating feelings and beliefs but so that you can learn to cope, navigate and leverage this information to YOUR advantage. I know I am preaching to the choir. Sometimes a reminder is needed.

How do you do that? You give people the benefit of the doubt but don't have any expectations of them. Only have expectations of yourself. Afterall, you have control of one person- YOU.

When I worked in Japan, I was treated like a queen. Prior to my arrival in Japan, I had developed coping skills that enabled me to focus on my work and do my job well. I can't tell you how many times I was complimented on my work ethic by my Japanese managers and co-workers. I was offered jobs and opportunities that I didn't even know existed.

When you walk into an organization, it is very unlikely that you will be openly excluded. There is a great possibility that you may not be included, though. You have to cultivate vision and hearing that can see the unseeable and can hear the unhearable. Those are skills, ladies. They are transferable and if used with awareness, in conjunction with a solid education, great work ethic and professionalism, you will be unstoppable. People can slow you down, that is for sure. But they can NEVER stop you. The only person who can stop you is you.

Don't let someone's perception of what your beauty is supposed to be create a kink of vulnerabilty in your armor or expose you like it did to Achilles. Fortify yourself and continue with embracing your God given beauty. You've got work to do. In order to do it well you need all your wits about you and of course you will look good while you are doing it! Lastly, remember that in order to change the game, you got to be in the game. In order to be in the game, you have to be able to successfully navigate and leverage what you got. Beauty is power. Power is needed to help uplift and serve those around us in need. When you help others to reach their dreams, that just gets you even closer to reaching your own.

Listen to the Message

2011-09-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever ignored what someone said because you didn't like the tone of their voice? Have you ever focused on the timing of the information instead of the words of the comment? I used to, and if I am not careful, I still do.

My father used to always tell me that I had a problem with messages. He would say, "You don't like how people tell you things. You worry about why they said it. You worry about how they said it. What you need to do is just listen to the message".

Usually, the conversation would end with me rolling my eyes, sucking my teeth and snatching my head in the direction I used to depart from the room. Why? Because I hadn't liked what he said!

My father has passed on but because his words live in my heart, he still lives on in me as well. People are rarely going to gently tap you on the shoulder, pull you aside and whisper in hushed tones pretty words that you want to hear. Many people aren't capable. For others, their intent may not be to help you. Their intent may be to try to hurt you or make you feel or look bad.

So what. That is not your concern. Your job is to be a pole vaulter. That's right, I said pole vaulter. Your job is to take whatever has been said to you and examine it. Don't judge it. Take the emotion from it. Take the words and leverage them the same way a pole vaulter uses a pole to catapult him or herself over that vault. You may not be trying to jump over a vault, but you are definitely trying to reach heights that you have never reached before. You are trying to become the highest functioning human being that you can be. You can't get there dragging your legs behind you like deadweight, loaded down even more because of someone's words that were directed to you that you perceived to be unkind. Or, you just didn't like what was said for whatever reason.

When I got my first corporate job I had a boss who did things that I did not understand. Among other things, she would rewrite my documents and correct them over and over in bright red ink. After about 3-5 iterations, my document would look just the way it did when I first gave it to her. I was miserable.

My father said to me, "You need to send your boss a dozen roses. She has done you a tremendous favor". You know I got an attitude. I was like,"You must be crazy, daddy".

Then he went on to explain. "Your boss has shown you how people can be in Corporate America. You have learned how to navigate around her. You have learned how to handle a person that likes to play games. Instead of letting what she said or does defeat you, you have learned to turn it around. That is something that you will be able to use as you move forward in your career. She has given you something very valuable. That's why I said you should send her a dozen roses".

I am not going to sit here and pretend like I appreciated or understood what my father meant at the time. As I progressed in my career, I met many people like her on the job. When I did meet other fools, I was able to side step them and continue to move forward. They may have slowed me down, but they never stopped me.

Whenever someone gives me a message, I stop, listen and try to understand what the person is saying. I have a reputation for being able to take criticism and feedback very well and use it to improve myself. That is because no matter how the message is stated, no matter why it was said, I work very hard to listen to the message. It's not the person's intent that is important. What's important is how YOU use the information for your own benefit. That's what counts. If you learn to focus on the message and not the messenger, you'll be able to mine the gold and get a nugget from every interaction. It's your job to be the alchemist. It's your job to turn a leaden, heavy burdensome interaction into gold. Listening to the message can make you rich in experience.

Experience is knowledge and knowledge is beauty. Listen to the message and use it to beautify yourselves bit by bit!

Perfection is a Destination, Excellence is the Journey

2011-07-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard that it is the journey that counts, not the destination? Or another way it's put is to say, "Enjoy the journey." Whenever I see this written or hear this said

I am the first one to give a nod of my head in agreement.

Yet and still, if I don't pay attention, and if I am not careful, I find myself falling into the same old rut. That's pursuing the ever elusive state of perfection. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best and putting in the effort to attain your goals.

Life is fluid. That means it is ever changing. Perfection is a static state. It's a moment in time, an event that comes and goes. Perfection is unsustainable. When you are only satisfied with or interested in perfection, you may doom yourself to be focused on tomorrow. The risk is that you may miss out on today. Once today is gone it becomes yesterday and never comes back. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone.

Excellence is like a path or a road you take. You can stay on it for a long time. Not only that, if you so choose, you can savor all, some, any or most of the moments that you experience along the way. Your journey can be as fulfilling as you want it to be.

Striving for and only accepting and enjoyng perfection, that perfect moment in time, can make joyful experiences far and few between. It can make you put off today something for a tomorrow that you might not ever get to see or experience. Life is not only fluid it is tenuous.

All of us have some cross to bear as a group or an individual. Don't let that impede you from enjoying the gift of this life which you have so generously been given.

People would look at you as if you were a fool if you were to say, "I work hard and never have fun. That is because I plan to have some joy or contentment years from now, and only for the briefest moments of time." Now how crazy sounding is that? People would back away really slowly and exit from your presence if you were to say such a thing.

If you think about it, many of us live this way when striving for perfection. "When I lose weight two years from now, I am going to be good enough to have a relationship," some of us say.

That's a moment to be experienced years from now. What happens between then and now? Striving for perfection. Losing weight may sound like you are just walking the path of excellence, but if you are putting off your enjoyment of your life for later, you are immersed in the pursuit of not-to-be-found- or kept-perfection.

Maybe you are working in a job that provides you income but doesn't satisfy your soul. You stay because you have bills to pay and mouths to feed, including your own. Of course we have to be accountable and responsible. It would not be right or appropriate to just walk away. To think that some day it will magically get better is pursuing perfection. You are working and striving for some moment in the future where the situation will be perfect. That moment may never come.

Continue with that job. Instead of hoping for a change that may or not arrive, to be experienced years down the road as a moment, change it to a journey. Strive for excellence. Make a plan about what you wish to be doing. Everyday, do an action that relates to that change. What's the difference? You are no longer living for a moment. You begin to live in the moment. The pursuit becomes a journey of little pleasures to savor along the way.

I know that a dream deferred is like a raisin in the sun. I agree with that sentiment. So often, dreams are deferred because we are trying to be perfect. Perfectionism is exhausting. It saps your energy and can leave you too tired or defeated to continue on the path. While excellence allows you rest stops of enjoyment along the way.

A dream doesn't come true some future moment in time, a time that is not even guaranted to manifest into something real, touchable and tangible.

A dream comes true by working at it on a regular basis, consistently over time. If you want to defer your dreams, chase unrelenting perfection. Pursuing excellence will provide you the practice and familiarity you need, so that when that opportunity comes, you will sail into it, through it and past that perfect moment, to blissfully enjoy as many moments of your voyage as possible.

Don't defer your dreams or forego enjoyment for some far off destination point in time, that you will only experience briefly for the sake of perfection. Experience some aspect of your dream every day. Create a tapestry of your life built on many moments of joy. Life is about the journey, not the destination. Perfection is like that proverbial carrot on the stick. You'll never get it and you may spend your life hungy and unfulfilled.

Focus on the journey. Strive to enjoy it, or some aspect of it, every day. Pursue excellence and not perfection. When you look up, not only will you have enjoyed getting there, you'll be able to sustain what you have attained. If the moment of perfection does come, it will be like the final fulfilling forkful of a decadent delicious dessert that you have enjoyed and not some morsel that you starved yourself for that turned out to be lousy. Now step out there and embrace your dream bit by bit. Hope to see you on the journey!

The Dog That Got Hit Yells the Loudest

2011-06-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

A gentleman I know told me the following story. When he was a little boy, he saw a dog get hit. It just dropped to the ground and it didn't move. A man in a truck pulled up and parked his car near the injured animal.

When he approached the dog and tried to touch the dog, the dog raised its head and snarled and growled. The dog was unable to move but it tried its best to protect itself. The man backed away from the dog and left the injured dog in the street.

The man returned from his truck with a blanket or covering. He placed the covering over the injured dog's body and head. He then proceeded to scoop up and gently lift up the dog into his arms. He carried the injured animal to his truck and drove away to get the dog help or treatment.

Some women were giving a presentation and I was in the audience. I could barely hear the current speaker. Therefore, I raised my hand and asked her if she could please speak up. I wanted to hear what she had to say and thus did not want to miss anything because she was speaking too low.

She was quiet and she stared at me very hard for a few seconds. She rolled her eyes, exhaled sharply, turned away and then quickly repeated what she had just said. I was very confused by her reaction. It were as if I had bothered her.

Later, I overheard her conversation. She was stating that she found public speaking terrifying. I went over to her and said, "Oh, now I understand. When you were presenting and I asked you to speak louder, you seemed like you were angered and bothered by my request. Now I realize that you were afraid. By me asking you a question, that just made it worse for you."

She said, " I was so scared that I took three Zantex. I don't even remember you asking me that question."

This woman is by no means a dog. Yet, her situation is similar. With the dog, it was possible to see and know the dog was afraid and injured or in pain. It would have been inhumane for the gentleman who approached the dog to become angry at the animal when the dog snapped, snarled and growled.

People are the same way. Most people don't have injuries, pain or fear that we can see. Yet, it is there for so many. The next time you encounter someone who is growling and snarling at you and your good intentions, instead of backing away and getting in your truck and driving off, go back inside yourself and re-group. Then, come back out with a cloth or blanket or protection, the love you have for yourself, and approach that person again. That anger that you think you may be encountering may be someone's only form of protection.

You never know what is going on in people's lives. If you are conscious enough to have good intentions to want to help and be kind to others, then you are conscious enough to be the bigger person and extend yourself a little and give to that person with the invisible injury or pain.

Yes, it may be that the dog that got hit yells the loudest. Also know that many who are in pain can be the most quiet. Reserve your judgement. Suit up and arm yourselves so that you too can circle back and help, even if the injured party growled and snarled at you during the initial approach.

Offer kindness and understanding. Afterall, that's what a beautiful woman does. She reaches out to those around her whose need for understanding may be disguised as anger and pain. A comforting word is all someone may need. The power is in your hands to beautify their world just a little bit, bit by bit. In return, you will beautify your own.

I am Tired of Being Afraid

2011-03-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon I headed to the restroom. As I entered the brightly lit, windowless, two stall bathroom I heard this frantic movement in the farthest stall from the door and from me. Someone was hurriedly dressing. I could see a work out bag on the floor at the person's feet. We have a gym in our building so I assumed whoever she might be was rushing to change.

The sound was unsettling to me. I hesitated before releasing the door and entered tentatively. I entered anyway, used the restroom and pulled opened my stall door to exit and to wash my hands. As I approached the sink, the lady who was rushing in the stall next to me was now rushing to wash her hands at the sink to my left.

I admonished her and said," Slow down. You are just rushing. I see you have your keys in your hand. You need to slow down so you can get there safely. Are you going to a meeting?"

She said,"My sister is dying. I have to get to the hospital." Then she rushed out past me.

I didn't know what to say. I just stood in the middle of the bathroom, staring at my feet and the sterile, but cold unforgiving tile beneath them. Then my head snapped up and I rushed to the bathroom door and dashed into the hallway.

She was still standing at the elevator. Waiting. There are four in our building. Unless it is lunchtime, they come very rapidly. They were slow. It wasn't lunchtime. She was still waiting.

She was about 30 feet away and was in the midst of turning to enter the elevator opposite where she was standing and I yelled, "May I pray for her?" She nodded. "Please tell me her name so that I can pray for her by name," I called out. She paused before entering the elevator and told me her sister's first and last name. I took it. Then she was gone.

So was her sister. Her sister didn't make it. But she made it to see her sister in time. She was breathing then was buried all within days. I didn't know her sister but the encounter took me on a downward spiral. I felt that I had intruded when I told her not to rush. I may have even told her that what ever she was rushing to was not that important to risk having an accident. I don't remember to be honest.

It was like passing by a table covered with mementos and knick knacks and collectibles. As you pass, you lose your footing and your balance and you grab for something to support you. Instead of grabbing the solid table, all you grasp is the edge of the tablecloth. As you fall you bring the table cloth to the floor with you and all the things that were on the table come crashing down as the cloth spirals in your hand as you descend deeper and closer to the floor, the bottom. That's how I felt.

The stuff on the table that came spiraling down was a combination of several events in my past.
The death of a friend in Japan. I had been trying to call her and found out that she had taken her own life days before. The last week of my father's life before his death seven days later.The fear of the loss of a relationship that I so desperately wanted to hold on to. All of it came tumbing back and down just like those symbolic knick knacks that came tumbling down.

I was a mess. I asked my mother to pray for me. I told her that I was afraid. I was afraid of death. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Afraid of failing. Afraid of losing those that I love. Afraid of what is going to happen. I have been teary since that incident in the restroom. I berated and admonished myself for saying the wrong thing. I berated myself for not saying something, the right thing at the right moment. I was spiraling downward faster and deeper.

But life goes on and I had made a commitment to perform a bank transaction. I needed to get it done that day. There is a bank branch in our building as well. I know the tellars and always speak and chat.

That day as I went up to the teller that I know, she looked at me and knew something was wrong instantly. When my eyes met hers, I started to get teary again.

She said,"Let me hurry up with this transaction and get you what you need, honey."

I shared with her what happened. I ended with, "You can be breathing on Friday and be buried by Monday." Another teller who was standing there looked up at me and nodded his head knowingly.

Then she said something else. She said, "You were put in that bathroom to comfort her during her time of need."

I said, "I just went there because I had to pee," sounding like an absolute fool.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You could have gone at any time. But you went in there at that moment. You made her conscious of her rushing and because of you, she probably thought about that and slowed down. At the elevator you asked her for her sister's name and she gave it to you and said thank you."

At that moment, my little tears dried up and I felt the most soothing, comforting peace come over me. I was like, yeah, I did give her some comfort.

Let's just say that she had rushed and just had say a minor fender bender, or the police had stopped her for speeding. The loss of those precious moments could have impeded her from being present during her sister's passing.

This incident was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I realized that I have been living in fear for some time now. When I experienced that profound sense of peace, I became relieved then exhausted.

Being afraid and living in fear are exhausting. I didn't even realize that I was living in this heightened state of fear and had been for many months. The peace that I got from the words of the bank teller just washed over me and seemed to cleanse away my immediate fear.

I would be a liar to say that I am no longer afraid. I am aware now. You see, I am afraid of change. Death is a change. The end of a relationship is change. But with change comes other things. Renewal. Insight. Growth. Peace. Transcendence. Although these ebb and flow, someting does not. It's love.

Love is constant and everlasting whether it be in the form of a memory, a person and most importantly, within yourself. It is always ever present. When you find yourself afraid, fall back on that love to comfort and guide you through. Believe in love. I now know that love conquers all.

When you think you can barely make the next step in front of you, know that love walks beside you. When you can go on no farther, know that love will comfort you and hold you until you have gained your strength. When all is dark and you can smell the fear, know that love will waft through the thickness of night and touch your nose with the sweet comforting scent to guide your steps.

We are fallible and weak. It is our arrogance and ignorance that makes us forget that we truly have no control over anything but ourselves. We have no control over any situation or person outside of ourselves.We don't.

But it is love that elevates us beyond the limitations of our human form that helps us to remember no matter what it looks like or how it feels, that we are to focus on love, as it is everlasting. So when you get tired of being afraid, you can fall wearily into the arms of love. You will be comforted, protected and enveloped in peace. If you let love battle your fear, I guarantee fear will never defeat you.

Big Furry Baby Bigfoot in a Bikini

2011-01-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

For two years, I had been wanting to order a sexy bathing suit online. I finally sat down and made some time to go through the site. Perusing the site, I selected a white, bathing suit bottom and a matching top. I spend time outside of the United States sometimes and love to go to the sea and the ocean.

Finally, the package arrived. The envelope was smaller than one of those zip and lock sandwich bags. It was exciting to be realizing the culmination of a goal: getting the courage to buy and wear one of those sexy bikinis.

When I opened the package, there were two cellophane bags. One contained the bikini bottom and the other contained the top. Each bag was 1/2 the size of a regular fold down sandwich bag, respectively. In fact, I could easily fit them both into one sandwich bag and have space left over. Both the top and the bottom had a tag attached with a hard plastic string. I was unable to remove or break the plastic that held the tag to the bottoms, with my bare hands.

Since I couldn't wait to try on the suit, I didn't want to spend or take the time to find a pair of scissors to remove the tags from the bottoms. I wanted to get the full effect of the suit as soon as possible. So, I snatched up my favorite pair of six inch mules with gorgeous, steel colored silver heels.

There's this little inexpensive door mirror in the room. I really wanted to savor the moment of seeing the impact of the full outfit, for the first time. I decided to keep my eyes averted until I had suited up. Daintily, I stepped into my pretty heels. First one foot, then the other. I teetered a bit, losing my balance ever so slightly.

I tied the strings on the top. Then adjusted the bikini bottoms.

Boldly and with bravado and confidence, I stepped in front of the mirror with my little hands on my hips and my high -heel clad, feet spread apart. Firmly planted before the mirror, I raised my chin, readying myself to take it all in. The only thing I needed was a blowing cape because I knew I had it going on.

When I met my own gaze in the mirror and simultaneously looked myself up and down, I was speechless. The strings of the bikini bottoms seemed to have disappeared, taking three fourths of the tag with it! Turning around to look from behind, I could barely see either one.

Even very light peach fuzz on my belly and forearms and legs looked like it was as long and as thick as carpet. I looked fat, furry and funky. Since I am petite, I figured I looked like a baby Bigfoot. If there are any Bigfoots out there, I apologize in advance for the comparison. The next thing I knew I had collapsed on the couch, my body just crumpled and I began to cry and scream with laughter! I called my mother and told her all about it.

I even dared to put the bikini back on for my husband. He was like, "Ahm...you just need to shave a bit more and do a few sit-ups. Otherwise, it looks alright." I was just too tickled and burst out laughing again.

My feeling is I am so glad I bought that suit and tried it on, despite the results! First, I took a risk and decided to do something outside of my comfort zone. It's not like I was walking around with the bikini on outside, though.

The next thing is that although I had different expectations in my head, compared to what I saw in the mirror, I now had a baseline. I saw where I was and where I wanted to go. I learned exactly what I needed to address to reach my goal of wearing that bikini.

The interesting thing is, I still don't feel as comfortable as I would like to in the suit. Therefore, I have yet to wear it out on a beach. More importantly, because of the episode, I increased the care I gave to myself and my body. I soon had to take some pictures for an upcoming book I am writing. You know what? The pictures came out pretty darn good! In fact, they were some of the best photos I have ever seen of myself. It was all because of that bikini.

I was shooting for a bikini babe body and instead ended up as a Furry Baby Bigfoot in a bikini. That's alright, though. It helped me to see that I needed to make some adjustments. It reminds me of that quote,"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars."

Continue to take calculated risks. Don't let fear of failure stop you or make you skittish because of the looming possibility and threat of disappointment. In order to become the person you want to be, you may have to go through some growing pains. Your journey may not be quite as hairy as mine (pun intended), but the end result may be similar. In my case, I started out as a beast and emerged as a beauty. I am determined to wear that suit! Perhaps Summer 2011 will be my time. Until then, beautify bit by bit! You've got work to do and the world is in great need. Continue to work toward being your best in 2011. When you are at your best, you've got so much more to give.

It IS All About You

2010-09-11T04:59:00.000-07:00

The community in which I live is somewhat small. A person in the community told me that her little one was having difficulty registering for school. The little one has some learning disabilities and the guardian was advised that the child would need more than ten hours of tutoring per week, BEFORE she could register and start school.

Tutoring runs over $40 dollars per hour. Now, from the outset, this didn't sound "quite" right to me. Why? One reason is that the school is a public school and not a private school and I am very familiar with its program and curriculum.

I made some suggestions and the guardian kept focusing on the $40 dollars. I asked the guardian had she verified if this were correct or not? Had she looked at some of the free programs in the community?

All I got was,"I haven't been up to the school. This is ridiculous that they are trying to keep the child out of school. All I know is the [television] news is going to go up there and see about this."

In frustration, I looked at the person and said,"You need to do something. You need to be a bridge between this child and the school. If you do nothing and don't take any action, you have failed the child."

The person stopped and looked at me. Then she got angry. As the conversation CONTINUED to spiral down, I was at least able to gather that the person had locked her teeth into, "You have failed the child." When I tried to explain by saying, "You misunderstood"... The person turned quickly on her heels and said, " "NO! YOU don't understand. We have NOT failed this child," and walked away angrily.

Her anger had nothing to do with the child. I had struck a nerve, a sore spot. This woman felt hopeless, immobilized, trapped. I had unknowingly hit the nail on the head. This would be confirmed by someone else later. It wasn't even a hollow victory to learn that. When something is hollow, it infers that it is 'empty' or that there is emptiness. When I learned this, I did not feel 'nothingness'. It was painful for me because I felt as if I had failed this woman, this guardian.

To make a long story short, I made some calls to the school district MYSELF, talked to my contacts at the school board, got the principal's information and wrote up the process step by step as to what to do. I had telephone numbers and names. I gave the information to another guardian of the child and the child is happily in school. As I suspected, the tutoring information was not correct.

I pursued the issue because of the child. I still believe that it takes a community to raise a child. When one child is lost and falls through the cracks, I feel that the surrounding adults are partly to blame. Despite the warnings by my contact at the school board, "You know if you continue this you may get cursed out, right?" I prevailed and continued on and the child is in school and has what is needed.

Guess what? This is not about the child, after six (6) paragraphs, right! It is about the child's guardian. She had no idea how to navigate the formal processes to find out the "truth" and to get to what the child needed. All she knew how to do was bluster, be angry, be frustrated and continue with a "victim" type of mentality. SHE came to ME with this issue. I didn't come to her. I told her what I believed to be the truth, "If you take no action, you have failed the child." She got angry about what I said because she couldn't deal with the truth.

I failed HER, the guardian, because I forgot with whom I was speaking. This woman felt like she never caught a break in her life. She has struggled all her life in every area of her life. I had an inkling of this but was so focused and depserate to get the child what she needed, I gave her information straight with no chaser. It burned her throat and her belly. To this day, this woman still does not talk with me when I see her in the community.

I feel bad. Not because she doesn't like me or because she has a problem with me. The fact is, she has a problem with herself. She is angry and disappointed with herself. She is a perpetual victim and the only means of "action" she knows how to take is to strike out at people around her because she is overwhelmed and frustrated by the "system". All of us get overwhelmed at some point in our lives. This woman has very few coping skills to navigate through many formal processes because she believes herself to be powerless. Her problem isn't really with me. Her problem lies with and within herself.

A Bangladeshi economist Muhammad Yunus started a micro-lending program in Bangladesh. He focused the lending practices on the poor. Specifically, he focused lending to Bangladeshi women. Why? His philosphy is as follows:

"They pay more attention, prepare their children to lead better lives, and are more consistent in their performance than men. When a destitute mother starts earning an income, her dreams of success invariably center around her children…When a destitute father earns extra income, he focuses more attention on himself. Thus money entering a household through a woman brings more benefits to the family as a whole."

What's all this got to do with you? It is important that you realize that it is ALL ABOUT YOU! As a woman, the current or future anchor of your family, you MUST focus on yourself. You MUST ensure that you are as fortified internally as possible. You MUST provide what you need for yourself. You MUST ensure that you have what you need. Not only does money entering a household through you the woman, benefit the family as a whole, but so does the idea of providing self care to yourself, self-esteem, developing coping skills and feeling empowered. These and many more things enter or stay out of your home, through you, for the benefit or to the detritment of your family: Focus on yourself first.

You, my dear woman, are the anchor for the world, for your community, for your home. Get what you need for yourself to feel good about you. Because when you do, you will NATURALLY do that for others around you. The better off you are as a woman, the better off your family is as a whole.

Focus on learning to navigate the "system". Develop the coping skills you need in order to get what you need for you and your family. If you succumb to your anger, you will fall into 'victimhood', inaction and chase your tail in a circle, getting nowhere.

I hear so many women talk about how they don't have time for themselves and must focus on their partners and children. The irony of it all is that they do their spouses and children a disservice by NOT focusing on themselves.

You want to give all the best you got to your family and your community? Then start by giving your very best to yourself first. Beautify yourself bit by bit, and the world around will follow. You really can't afford to not know that it truly is, "All about you!"

Finding Perfection in the Present

2010-06-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

It seems that we spend time in two of three places. We either are in the past relishing the days gone by, often referred to as the glory days, wanting to return to a bygone era and time. Or, we are focused on tomorrow. It might sound a little something like the following:

"When I lose some of this cellulite, I am going to be so happy."
"I wish I were still in college. That was so much fun."

"Can't wait until I graduate!"
"Why didn't I take math."

"My wedding is in six months. The honeymoon will be great."
"I should have left that fool alone years ago."

The place that we seem to want to spend the least amount of time is in the present.

When we do stop to think about and experience the present, our time there is not really well spent. If we are not relishing the past, we're regretting our actions, words or experiences of our pasts. All of which can color and tinge the flavor of today leaving a nasty, residual aftertaste on the palate of our current experiences.

A key part of finding perfection in the present is embracing gratitude and releasing entitlement. Gratitude is when you are thankful and appreciative of what you have and are experiencing. Entitlement is the expectation that just because you are you, you are supposed to have certain things and experiences.

I always talk about not having expectations of other people when it comes to your own happiness and your life. Entitlement is having expectations of the power of the Universe, the world around you, to provide you with certain experiences, opportunities or material things.

But wait, how do you have and reach goals and attain dreams and wants that are neither tainted by your expectations of other people or by feelings of entitlement - those feelings that communicate that you better get what you want?

So, how do you do this?

The balance or middle ground is genuine gratitude. By all means, ask for what you want. Ask for what you need. Set your goals and pursue your dreams. Remember, just because you request something, that doesn't mean you will get it. If that is how you feel, that you better get what you asked for, then you are feeling a sense of entitlement.

Entitlement and expectation both can set you up for disappointment. The disappointment you experience may be bitter and eventually you will be, too.

A while back, I had an opportunity to go back to Japan during a program of study. The price was very inexpensive and it was a chance to visit a part of Japan of which I had never visited. Since I joined the program late, there were two other people vying for a place. We had to participate in a kind of lottery. There was only one spot available.

Instead of crossing my fingers, legs and whatever else that twisted and souring my stomache with worrying until the decision was made, I was thankful and happy that I was even being considered. Sure, I wanted to go, otherwise I would not have placed my name in the hat for the opportunity. Gratitude helped me stay firmly planted in the present.

I didn't go to the past with, "I never win anything. Every time I try something like this I never get it." Nor did I go the entitlement route, "I never ask for anything, I better get this. I deserve this."

I didn't go to the future with, "If I don't get this, I am going to be so disappointed." Nor did I go the other route, "Something has got to happen to me. If I don't get this I am not going to try for anything else in the future ever again."

I stayed in the present. I figured if the opportunity were meant for me it would happen. When I got the call confirming that I would be going, the deliverer of the message seemed to be disappointed by what he perceived as my lack of enthusiasm, or a lack of 'gratitude' for the opportunity. I told the person I was very grateful for the opportunity.
I was at peace with whatever would be decided. I really wanted to go, don't get me wrong.

When I won the opportunity, it did not rock my world either way. You see, gratitude kept my feet firm and my world steady. So whatever were to come to pass would be just like a gentle windkissed breeze upon my cheek, light with little or no impact upon my life.

Gratitude works double duty. It can keep us steady when we experience the inevitable sad, unfair, bitter and/or painful moments in life, as well.

Years ago I read a book by Norman Vincent Peale. He wrote on the topic of self help through the power of positive thinking. He said, "If something is truly meant for you, it won't pass you by." At the time I liked the quote and kept it stored in my heart and mind for safekeeping. Now when I think about this quote, it is my definition of gratitude.

What I mean by this is that if the desires, dreams, hopes and goals that you have are meant for you, they will not pass you by. They may not manifest in the way that you have envisaged, but that does not make the attainment of them less valuable or satisfying.

In the meantime, stop regretting what has come and gone, which is the past. You don't have to hold off living until you reach some undefined or even defined point later in your life, which is the future. Stand in the present, throw your head back, fling your arms wide open and splay and spread the fingers and thumbs on your hands far and apart. Welcome and embrace the present with outstretched arms. Create a space and place for it, every day.

Find perfection in the present. Envelope and immerse yourself in genuine gratitude. Be thankful for who you are, what you got, where you've been and where you are going. This will allow you to be steadfast on your path. It will help you to enjoy the life, the moment that is guaranteed by the breath you are taking right now, for all that it is and all that it has to offer.

Each day, string the pearls of your life moment by moment so that when you are done, whether it be over in a long period of time or it end abruptly and early, you will know that you have enjoyed your life at the moment you experienced it, in the perfection of the present.

Thus, no matter when you are done figuratively and literally, the world can behold the beautiful pearl pathway built and left behind by the moments of your life. That bejeweled pathway will not be a mere token of superficiality, but a guidepost for the world so it too can find perfection in the present, through your life and apply it to the life it currently owns.

In gratitude, beautify yourselves bit by bit today. Enjoy your life right now.

The Power of Appreciating and Praising Yourself

2010-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

My mother always says,

"It's a poor duck that doesn't praise its own pond."

When she would say that, I would look at her as if she had absolutely lost her mind, especially when I was a teenager. I'd be pouring out the woes of my teenage angst and she'd cutover and start talking about a duck. It exasperated me to no end. The fact of the matter is, I was usually putting myself down when she would say this to me. I may not have changed my feelings about myself right then and there, but I closed my mouth. It has definitely stayed with me.

There is great wisdom in the guise of these seemingly simple words. Today, I love this saying and I think it is so cute. What this saying means is that if you don't appreciate what you have, more profoundly, who you are, then it's a sad situation. You are poor in spirit and you are poor in possessions. I could go on. I think you get the meaning: appreciate who you are.

When you internalize the idea of appreciating who you are and what you have and live it, that creates great power in your life. How?

Well, let's see. Too often, women are conditioned to nuture those around them and use left over time for themselves-if you have any. What we are not conditioned to do is to nurture ourselves. We celebrate and admire women who extend themselves beyond their precious reserves, who continue to give and give and give until they themselves have nothing left. On the surface, that person appears selfless and giving.

If you dig deeper, my opinion is that the person is selfish. You see, when you over extend yourself to care for others and you neglect your own needs ALL the time, you compromise your physical health, your physical beauty and your inner balance.

We all have to do that some time. If you do it all the time, my suggestion is stop, take a step back and look around you. You may be heading down a path of no return. Ask yourself why? If you are giving all of YOU away, is that because you feel that you have less value?

If you are giving all of you away, is that because you want to hold someone in debt to you, so that he or she will stay with you, or do the same for you- someday in return? Don't count on it. That's giving something to get something. Is that what you are doing?

Sometimes, you need to take time out for yourself. You need those two hours to do your hair. Maybe your hair can look fine with 15 minutes, but perhaps your Spirit enjoys the indulgence, the attention and the 'me' time you give yourself during those precious two hours.

There is a saying that I often hear about or have read. Many times, a male is the one referencing it or quoting it. "I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to slide into the end of my life with a battered beat up body indicating that I lived my life to the fullest [for me]."

That's not the exact quote but I hope it sounds familiar. I mention it because although these men talk about being beat up and tired, they DEFINITELY are not advocating getting this way by taking care of and giving their all to SOMEBODY else.

Do you know that if you exhaust all of your reserves and have nothing left for you that you open yourself up to illness? How ironic would that be to be the 'selfless' caretaker of all those around you and end up somebody else's burden in the future? Instead of being able to enjoy the time you have finally cut out and allotted for yourself, you'll be needing someone to reach out and carry you along- not by choice but because your own body just can't do it for you anymore.

Today, take time out for yourself. It's a simple, free way to appreciate yourself. Ensure that when you give care and support to others that you know WHY you do it. If it is for return, to give in order to get, at least be honest with yourself about it. Work on it and learn to give self-lessly, with no expected return.

Self deprecation, putting yourself down, is not admirable or selfless. Accept that you are fabulous. That's harder to do, to keep it in balance, without going to the other side, which is conceit. Praise the good things about yourself, appreciate who you are, what you have and where you are at. That doesn't mean you don't continue to strive for future goals of who you want to be and what you want to have. If somebody has an issue with you expressing and appreciating who you are, it just might be that he or she has a problem with him or herself. Don't let that stop you.

Pamper yourself by giving yourself the attention you need. It's a daily thing, not a yearly activity. Feed your body good food, ask for what you need. When you are supercharged and ready to go, the power in your arm that you use to lift others doubles in strength. You can do more for others without resentment, without misgivings or without anger. You know why? Because you will already have what you need. That's because you have given it to yourself. Now, if that's not power, I don't know what it is.

Not only do you want to be that duck that praises its own pond, you want to be that duck that turns into a beautiful swan. A beautiful swan is an ugly duckling because it wasn't aware of who it really was. Appreciation has the power to take you from ugly to beautiful in the blink of an eye. Utilize the power that you have been endowed with and beautify yourselves bit by bit.

Are You a Mule or a Slave in this Day and Age?

2010-03-04T22:42:00.000-08:00

Zora Neale Hurston once wrote, "The black woman is the mule of the world." I am here to tell you that you neither have to be black nor female to accept the role of beast of burden or pack mule, in this world. Did you notice I used the word, 'accept'? No one can make you a mule until you accept and take on those characteristics yourself.

What about a slave? The average African American person born in this country, with a history of several generations born here, usually has some aspect of a slave legacy in their ancestral line. Breaking that down to basics, I am saying that if you are black in America and can trace your heritage back 5-6 generations in America, you will find that somebody in your family was most likely a slave at one time.

Did you know that you can be a mule and a slave today, right now, during YOUR lifetime? If you are a slave, it is very likely that it is a path that YOU have chosen for yourself.

What do I mean? If you work just to pay the bills, you are a slave. If you have a job that you hate and you are miserable on your job, you are a slave. If you are in a relationship and you are pretending to be someone you are not, for the sake of 'maintaining' the relationship, you are a slave.

If you lie to yourself to make it through the day, you are a slave. Lying to yourself takes on many forms such as promiscuity, alcoholism and drug addiction just to name a few. People use sex, alcohol and drugs as smoke and mirrors to give themselves the illusion that everything is alright, when it is not. These things are distractions and keep you from dealing with what's really going on inside of you.

You don't need shackles on your feet to be enslaved. Don't just be another brick in the wall or a cog in the wheel of the whirring, de-humanized machine because that's what you are supposed to do. Wake up! Seek out who you are and follow your passion.

You don't have to dump your significant other, quit your job, or drop your pants and turn and show your behind to your boss to free yourself. Everyday reaffirm what you believe your purpose to be. Everyday, try to do one action or activity to get yourself closer to freedom.

All jobs are not bad. Carrying somebody's burden every once and while is expected and can bring you joy. But looking in the mirror and seeing a grey donkey with a pack or an unkempt person burdened by shackles, is not what you were meant to do or be.

Being introspective for the purpose of knowing who you are, understanding your purpose and pursuing your passion are not easy tasks to undertake. They take time to pursue. Many times they take a life time. You always run the risk that you may go down the wrong path and not know it until you reach your final destination.

But the converse is even worse, in my opinion. To follow the current just because you choose not to swim against it because you fear it too hard or that you might fail, always leaves one with the bitter, aftertaste of regret.

No matter which road you choose to take, make sure that it is a conscious choice on YOUR part. Don't travel down the path because you think it is wrought with less resistance and thus, easier. Because in the end, you will face obstacles, trials and tribulations and be forced to undertake battles in order to continue on your path, no matter which path you undertake.

I think it is far better to exert this effort to pursue purposes and passions of which one is cognizant and aware and desiring to have come to fruition. At the end of the day, or the end of your days, life will judge you just like the law. If you commit a crime or make a poor choice, it is not acceptable to say, "I didn't know." You have to deal with it, no matter what. Sometimes, because of one action or decision, your life can be irrevocably changed. Why not let it be changed for the best!

Thus, gear up so that you do know. Know who you are, be accountable for you and your dreams. Don't be a mule or a slave because you didn't know. If you are going to be those things, choose them knowingly and accept your path. I hope you choose to unburden yourself by throwing off the packs and the shackles at once.

Mules and slaves build structures. Masters orquestrate the creation of wonders of the world. Be a master of your fate and yourself. You don't have to be a mule or a slave in this day and age. To free yourself is not an entitlement. It is a risk that you must undertake and address on a daily basis. The rewards can be quite satisfying.

Before you step out and onto the pathway of independence and freedom, please check your packs and shackles at the door. Packs are to be placed to your left, shackles are to be piled neatly to your right, just before you exit. See you on the path, everybody!

Until you are free, your beauty will never be your own. Beautify bit by bit.

You Can't Always Get What You Want, But If You Try Real Hard You Get What You Need

2010-02-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is a slight variation of a line from a Rolling Stones' song. I spend quite a bit of time with my family in Mexico. This year, my mother came from the South to spend a week with me. My mother is very Spiritual and religious. So naturally, she wanted to go to the Basilica and see the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Let me give you some background information.

Mary, the mother of Jesus appeared to Juan Diego, an Indian or Mexican peasant, asking him to have a church built where she appeared to him. Juan was told to bring a sign. Mary told him to collect some red roses, in the middle of winter from a dry, barren hilltop. He used his cape, woven from plant fibers, to gather the roses. He brought the roses to the ruling church authorities. These people were European, wealthy, well-educated and of course had a disdain for this mestizo peasant who did not even speak Spanish.

Juan was granted an audience with some of the high ranking church officials. He, or someone, unfurled his cape to show the officials the beautiful, red roses. Upon the cape that had been unfurled, was an image, left from the roses. That image is that of the Virgen Mary that is enshrined today in the Basilica in Mexico City.

Now here are the parts that are even more fascinating. The cloth in which the image has been imprinted is made from untreated, natural fibers. It generally has a five year life span. It can last at the most 30 years, then it literally disintegrates. The cloth or cape on which the image appears is now 500 plus years old and still around.

The 'paint' of the image is not inside the cloth, melded to the fibers of the cape. It 'floats' on top of the image. They have not been able to find this process in nature or in man-made processes.

Now here's the real kicker! In the mid 20th century, some one discovered, in the eye of the image, another image. In the Virgen's eye, is an image of a man kneeling and two other persons. Scholars have determined that the people in her eye are the same people that were present when the cape was unfurled.

The images in her eye match the paintings of the those people who were supposedly present in the room when the cape was unfurled, the roses fell to the floor and the image of the Virgen Mary appeared. We all know how priests and high ranking people commission their portraits, right? Well portraits of these historical people match the image in her eye. The image in her eye was created at the moment the cape was unfurled. So, she was 'looking at' these folks in the room as her image came to life.

I had been meditating and thinking about 2010. I want to add value and help others. I want to live a life where I helped to make it easier and better for someone else, for my being here. So I was in this state of mind when we took my mom to the Basilica. My mother wanted to get a blessing and have some other experiences the site offers.

The majority of people that are there are considered pilgrims. Pilgrims are defined here as people who undertake a long journey for a religious or spiritual purpose. They come from all over Mexico. They come from the very small towns on the outskirts of Mexico City, many of them are very poor, infirmed, sick, uneducated and some don't speak Spanish.

We decided to go to a part of the Basilica compound that we had not been to before. There is a movie documentation and I found a seat and watched it. I laid down my belongings right next to me in the dark room. After the documentary completed, the lights came up and I collected my belongings and left the museum.

Outside, about 10 minutes later, I realized that I had forgotten my little coin purse. My 'little' coin purse contained about 100 dollars in Mexican pesos. I could not go back into the museum without paying and I didn't have any money left anyway.

Guess what I did? It wasn't noble or life affirming at all. I got ANGRY! I was pissed off because I had lost MY money. Then my husband said to me,"That 100 dollars was a lot of money to lose, but you can make that back so easily. Just let it go."

Then I remembered my request that I wanted to give and to help others. The odds are that whoever found my coin purse was NOT someone that was well off. I had no identifying information in the coin purse, so it wasn't like they would be stealing if they kept it. Indirectly, my request had been fulfilled. It definitely wasn't what I thought I wanted. It was what I knew I needed - to help others.

This was definitely a case of not getting what I wanted, but getting what I personally needed. Sometimes, we want to define how situations should work out, when they should work out and exactly what they should look like. That is not necessarily for us to do. Be open and accepting of how situations and events may transpire.

You can pick the car, and be the vehicle, but you may not be able to decide upon the road to take or the destination. That's okay, because you may end up in a place that you yourself could never have imagined or planned. After all, we are merely and only human, right?

By the way, between those of us with me at the Basilica, we came up with more than enough money to ensure that my mom got the trinkets and things she wanted. I was even able to purchase two books!

Who knows, someone may have been praying for a miracle. That hundred dollars that I lost and they found may have been the answer to their prayers. All I wanted was to help somebody. Instead, I may have been blessed with the opportunity to be a part of a miracle. Amazing.

Beautify the World in Which You Inhabit, Bit by Bit, Day by Day.

Don't Waste Your Breath, Even If It's Only 21 Grams

2010-01-12T16:34:00.000-08:00

There is a saying in English that references a person's passing. It is called, "Giving Up the Ghost." This saying is all over the world. Another idea that is all over the world is that when someone dies, after death, individuals consistently weigh 21 grams less than when they were alive.

As babies, we breathe deep from our diaphrams. As adults the breath seems to rise a bit higher and moves and seems to originate from our chest. When people are ill and begin to leave and release their lives, the breath moves to the throat. When the breath moves to the throat during this time, some people refer to this sound as a death rattle. Then, the breath moves to the mouth. It then ceases to travel or move.

When a person dies, the most common thing we say is that the person is no longer breathing. Others are more specific. They say that the breath has not stopped, it has just left and gone. Continuing on this same path, the breath for many, is the essence of what gives us life. Could it be this breath, that stops or maybe that leaves, is that which accounts for this 21 gram loss?

Our lives are precious. Our energy is precious. But without breath, both would cease to exist. How often have you heard it said, or even you yourself said, "Don't waste your breath!" I would like to say the same to you as well, but in a gentle whisper, free of all admonishment.

Don't waste your breath. Cherish it. Cultivate it. Retain it as long as it is with you and as long as you are gifted with it.

Never underestimate its power to console a frightened child. The power of the pace of your breath to signal to your lover the pleasure that you feel, without having to express a single word. Although your breath might only weigh a mere 21 grams, that has no bearing upon the significance or mighty role it plays in our every day life: From end to end, from cradle to grave.

So, don't waste your breath to speak negativity, unkind words or gossip. Don't waste your breath, the heaving of your chest to rail against a personal attack others may raise against you. Save your precious breath. Use the oxygen to repair and build up the world, starting with the inside of your body, through the intake of oxygen, then extend this healing out to others, for the purpose of uplifting them as well.

Save your precious breath. Afterall, oxygen is a key ingredient for radiant beauty. Use your breath, that mere 21 grams, to greatly enhance the world in which you dwell and walk, and beautify yourself and the world bit by bit.

Bravo to BBBB Reader, LaQT! Bravo!

2009-11-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

My blog doesn't fit any of the blog rules. They are super long. I post one time a month. I have no advertisements on my site. I barely put in pictures and a whole host of other things.

I write these blog posts because I want to be the voice that REMINDS YOU, how fabulous you are. Too many of us are constantly bombarded with negativity.

Do I have it all together? Hah! Absolutely, NOT!

Just as much if not more than encouraging you to be beautiful, I try to encourage you that you have all that you need right now, to do what you need and want to do - successfully. Perfection is NOT a requirement.

On those few days when I think I am a 'sucker' for writing this blog, outside of the rules and think that I am merely just taking up space in the blogsphere, wasting your time and my time, one of you fabulous ladies steps out and reminds ME why I write these blog posts.

LaQT wrote in the comments section on a post of mine, on October 6th, that she was in the health care field but has always dreamed of being a doctor. Her concern was that pursuing her dream would be a burden on and to her family. On the other side of the coin, she wrote that in her heart she knew that she encouraged her little ones to be who they wanted to be. In the end, she wants to remain authentic and not be hypocritical or to not have regrets in her future for not pursuing her own dreams.

Then on November 21st, 2009, LaQT wrote another comment. She let us know that she is currently taking her prerequisites in preparation for: Entering a Medical Program!

Our girl LaQT is stamping down her fears and doubts, stepping out on faith, and pursuing her life long dream.

LaQT, I know that you will attain your dream and you will reach your goal. Bravo, LaQT!
Bravo, to you!

You should see how my little chest is puffed out, all proud. LaQT, YOU are the reason I write this blog. Not to define you, or tell you what to do. I write this blog to constantly remind you and everyone who reads this blog that within you, there is Inner Greatness! All you have to do is believe it, act upon it and watch your dreams come true.

When LaQT reaches the end of this leg of the journey, and attains her medical program credential, you or I may be in a situation where because of her, our life, or the life of someone we love, is saved.

Pursue your dream LaQT. I believe that dreams are divinely placed within us. Pursuing that dream and bringing it to fruition may literally help to save the life of someone else.

LaQT, thank you for the honor and privilege of being allowed to see you off, as you begin your wonderful journey.

Look back only for the briefest of moments. I'm the little one. I'm kind of in the back. The one with the tear glistening in my eye, in danger of having it drop fat and full and heavy down my cheek.

I got the proud smile, stretched from ear to ear, waving at you as you walk up the gangplank to board that ship that will carry you to places of which you have never seen and only dreamed.

And ya'll, you know she is going to look beautiful doing it, too! Beautify Bit by Bit.

Relinquishing and Silencing Your Voice or Your Choice

2009-11-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

Despite what the movies and popular culture depict, silencing your voice and letting someone else make decisions for you, are not necessarily the characteristics of what makes a woman pretty or feminine or inherently a woman. Conversely, nor are the lack of these characteristics a condemnation that a woman is unpretty or unfeminine.

Before you naysayers stand up and say, "Hold up Chicoro, tell me something I didn't know, because you're preaching to the choir. These are BLACK women to whom you are speaking, and YOU know our issues are that we are often considered too strong, too vocal and too independent."

Firstly, I would respond with the rhetorical question,"You think so?" not to elicit a reply, but to make an assertion. That assertion or positive declaration, without support or reason is, you too do it: You relinquish and silence your voice and your choice.

We do it when we accept inappropriate or unkind treatment from a partner because we want to hold on to that partner. We do it at our jobs when we even just question whether or not we should go out with our natural hair. We do it when tone down the way we would normally say something on the job because of fear we might be perceieved as too aggressive. We do it, because so many of us are in jail because we let that person doing something wrong, lay up under us, and turned our heads from their wrong doing, because we 'loved' that person. We do it, ladies, we do it.

Secondly, I would say, "Be careful." Because although what you say or think you are, which may be uncharecteristically different than what and who society deems you to be as a woman-- voiceless and choiceless -- understand one other inference of this popular cultural argument. Because you are vocal and make your own choices, society may declare that you indeed are unattractive, not pretty and unfeminine. After all, if you subscribe to and perpetuate what you say you are, strong, vocal, autonomous, aren't you by logic, saying the same thing as society? That you agree with its definition of who you are by default of silent acceptance, a decision that you have unconsciously but willingly have made? I'm just asking.

To this I say, "Be cognizant and aware of societal perceptions of who you are supposed to be, voiceless and choiceless. Be cognizant and aware of inner cultural perceptions of who you are supposed to be - vocal, autonomous and strong." Why?

Although it is my hope that you will delve deep within yourself to discover and know who you truly are and who you wish to be, it is important to know how others think and feel about you. That is because to get from point A to point B, in fulfillment of your purpose, as you walk through this journey called life, you will encounter many obstacles.

In order to circumvent those obstacles and successfully navigate your journey toward your goals, you have got to know what may lie ahead. If there is a hole in the road, you want to know about it and be aware of it. Can you personally close that hole? Probably not, but if you are aware of it, you have some forewarning or knowledge to go around it. Will it guarantee your safe passage? No, by no means. But it certainly will raise the odds in your favor.

Don't ever let somebody else define who you are, whether it be the external society at large or your own tight knit family members. Don't get caught up in who you are supposed to be and what that makes you - pretty, or what it doesn't make you- not pretty.

Just be you. Sometimes, having no voice is a choice. Sometimes being choiceless is a way of exerting and empowering your voice.

Create and live your OWN definition of what it means to be beautiful and feminine. You do that by knowing yourself and being true to yourself, not just in the area of beauty and femininity, but also let this manifest as it pertains to your integrity and your Soul.

Beautify yourselves bit by bit.

You Just Never Know...What Can Happen

2009-11-01T06:27:00.000-08:00

Procrastination is not just lying on the couch, watching television all day. Procrastination can also be about focusing all your energy, time and effort on a goal that you really don't want. That goal could even be worthy, difficult to achieve and valuable for someone else, but not for you. Huh?

Ever wanted to be something, or do something or have something so badly, that whenever you thought of it or saw it, your little heart ached, or your stomache quivered? How many times have you given something half the effort, or none at all, because you thought you couldn't really reach the goal you set or have what you wanted? So not wanting to set yourself up for disappointment- AGAIN - to have to feel that ache in your heart or have to hear THAT voice remind you of the reasons why you should have known you'd fail, you just put it out of your mind, and try to act like it's not important to you. What if what you wanted seemed to require that you be well connected, lucky, born with 'it', or just plain ol' not likely to happen - to you?

Well ladies, I am here to tell you, "You just never know WHAT can happen!"Want that job but you know there is just no way you can compete with the other candidates? You don't know. You just never know WHAT can happen!

Want to live in another country but have a situation that is impossible to overcome to even begin to think about moving? You don't know. You just NEVER know what can happen!

Want to have long, healthy, natural hair, but know that what you got has been broken off, over relaxed hair that has never grown past your neck and thus never will? You don't know that. You just never know what CAN happen!

Years ago I wanted to move from an analyst position to a management position. There were several 'impossibilities' at the time. First, the person who was in charge of the management group was HORRIBLE. She would actually tell people that they were stupid, in meetings in front of entire groups of people. She was extremely FAKE and the queen of backstabbing and viciousness. I had just left a company where I had worked for another terrible boss and did not want to put myself under another one, knowingly, any time soon.

Second, I worked in a group of analyst. Of the seven to ten analyst, I was the most junior and had the least amount of time at the company. So, although there were courses and classes offered to help one move from an analyst to a manager, I was tenth in line to receive one course! In addition to that, one was required to take about seven courses in order to get the credential to be deemed a manager. Coupled with all this, was the fact that all those analyst in front of me, were allowed to take no more than two courses each - per year!

I knew that I would never become a manager in this organization. But the fact of the matter was that I DIDN'T know! Because you know why, ladies? YOU never know what can happen!

I resigned myself to the fact that it just wasn't going to happen for me. Soon after a management course become available at the local city college. It offered ALL the courses from beginning to end, required to become a manager. The price for the entire four (4) month course was 1/2 the price for just one of the ten courses offered through my company. So, I approached my boss, who was over the analysts and me and asked him. I asked him would he reimburse me for the four month course if I paid for it and got a passing grade. He said yes and I completed the course successfully soon after.

One day I heard through the grapevine my company wanted to enter into the Japanese market. I figured that there were probably no opportunities for me, but I could share what I knew from my time living in Japan. So, I wrote a white paper or document about what to look for culturally when trying to enter the market and passed it to a mentor of mine.

A few weeks later, I got a call from the Senior Vice President of International Marketing. He said he had been told that I was, "sharp" by another Senior executive and wanted to talk to me. That 'other' executive had read my paper on entering the Japanese market. At the time, I neither knew or had even heard of either of these executives.

The marketing executive flew me to his office for an interview and asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted to be a manager at one of the international offices. He gave it to me. You know why? Because you never know what can happen.

He paid for me to take those credentialed classes at the same time and way ahead of the other analysts. He helped double my salary and placed me in my dream position. It was a dream job. I was not well connected, was not stunningly beautiful, or had wealth. I did not engage in any immoral or inappropriate behavior. I did not mistreat others or step over and on people. Throughout, I remained myself. I never compromised my personal integrity.

It was not a fluke or never to happen again event. So I say to you, release the expectation of disappointment. Identify what you want to do, be or have. No matter how impossible something may seem, you just never know what can happen. Yes, you will have doubts, make mistakes and even risk looking the fool. But so what! Don't be that person languishing in regret for the rest of your days. I shot for the moon and hit a star. Were things perfect? Of course not! But they were worth it for me.

Be open to opportunities and events and life in general. There is so much that science cannot explain. Mountains can move. Don't YOU stop yourself before you start. Don't waste your precious focus and energy on something that you know you can achieve but don't REALLY want.

So the next time you find yourself in what appears to be an ugly duckling-situation, remember that it is possible to turn it into a swan of an opportunity. Why? Because you never know what can happen. Beautify bit by bit, one ugly duckling situation at a time. Beautiful is as beautiful does. Step on out there, you pretty beautiful things you!

Your Biggest Obstacle Is Your Greatest Gift

2009-10-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

Are you struggling with overcoming something in your life? Something that you seem to just can't get in front of? Hold up a minute. I want to come back to this later.

When I was in Japan, I dated this young man. He was into sword making. We hopped onto his motorcycle and headed out to a rural part of Kumamoto, Japan, to the sword maker's home, his master teacher.

This young man was a sullen, troubled person and was somewhat of a social outcast. But when he got to the home of his master teacher, he just lit up. At one point, he took over the process from his teacher, who had been forging a sword, when we came in. I watched the young man become engrossed in what he was doing. He forgot that both I and the master teacher were even there.

The metal was pounded, over and over. Gray wisps of material and ash floated in the air and escaped every time the metal sword received a blow. The metal being forged glowed orange in the hot center, yellow around the outline of the orange and gray and blue around the edges. He literally pounded that sword "to be" for an hour. That thing still looked like it did when we first came into the workshop.

That's why I liken obstacles in our lives to the forging of a sword or a knife. Just like that sword is strengthened by being placed in fire and being pounded upon blow after blow, so are we. Beyond that, once you actually overcome an obstacle, you become an expert on it. You create a tool from this experience as well.

You are an expert on YOUR experience. Contrary to what a lot of credentialed people may try to tell you, your personal experience has value and a use, for other people.

Many times, it is not theoretical information or direction, the general stuff that we are told about, that makes a difference. It is someone's tangible, very personal, firsthand, esoteric and distinct experience that captures, motivates and fascinates us. It is that person's story that inspires us to catapult ourselves toward our accomplisments. It is these experiences and information that we seek.

I am struggling through some very difficult challenges today. More importantly, I have overcome some incredible challenges as well. It is the history and the fact that I have overcome those challenges that I use as leverage to help me know that I can get through the obstacles of today.

But the most incredible thing that I have seen is this. Very often, the thing that is your greatest challenge that you persist to do and overcome, is your greatest gift. It is your greatest gift to yourself because you have triumphed over it. That process that you went through to come out to the light and be successful is priceless in itself. You can now transfer that same process over to the NEXT challenging area of your life. That is called experience. Unlike yesterday's challenges, you have a history and some precedence on how to address today's and tomorrow's challenges.

That's a roadmap, a guide, a gift to yourself. Through life experience, and if you live it consciously, you have created an internal compass for yourself to help you get where you need to go - even faster the next time around.

That same roadmap that came to be, came to fruition because you have coalesced your experiences into crystal clear vision, can now be gifted to someone else in need.

So the next time you start to lament about that challenge that you feel you just can't overcome, before you spiral downward into something ugly and nonproductive, such as self loathing or even depression, bless your situation.

Know that when, not if, but when you overcome this great challenge or obstacle that you face, that you will leave with some very tangible treasures: A map of how of to overcome future challenges, the gift of this map to yourself, and this gift of knowledge that you can teach and pass on to someone else.

To strengthen and forge a sword literally requires fire, an arising from the ashes, and the pressing and compression and the shaping of pounding pressure. From all of that comes a gorgeous, magnificent knife or sword - a great tool that you can always use, in your daily lives. The same process is applicable to you.

Be the gift that keeps on giving. Persist and overcome what challenges you today. Create a roadmap for those who are lost and the discouraged of tomorrow. Let your obstacle that you have overcome, be the oasis in the desert for someone. We all know that an oasis is a life giving find for anyone lost and thirsty in the desert.

By the way, that young man gave me that knife he worked on that day. It was a gift. What beautiful gift will you be creating and giving? Thank your challenges, and get ready to wrap them up in some pretty paper and a gigantic bow. Somebody's out there with outstretched arms waiting to receive your gift in the making. Get to it! Be a beautiful gift giver. Beautify bit by bit, one gift at a time, literally and figuratively.

Pursue Your Passion: It Really Is in You to Do It!

2009-10-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I was watching a documentary. The woman on the show had received an organ transplant. Shortly after, two things started to happen. The first was that she developed a craving and taste for green bell peppers. She started adding entire, whole green peppers to her meals. Prior to her transplant, not only did she not eat green bell peppers that often, she didn't really like them. Secondly, she began having dreams about being in an open field and she would be running toward a young man who would also be running toward her, both of them with arms outstretched toward one another. Once the young man would reach her, she would literally inhale him into her mouth and he would disappear.

She was not only given the gift of an organ, she was eventually gifted with the knowledge of her donor. It turns out the young man in her dream, whom she had never met or seen, was the spitting image of the man who had been her organ donor, whom she had never met or seen, either. His family told her that he loved, loved green bell peppers and ate them in absolutely everything!

Last Friday I attended an event for my company. The event was for African American women. The gentleman next to me was a friend of my co-worker with whom I was sharing the table. She told me that he had received a kidney transplant just two years ago. So of course, I recounted the above story about the woman and the green bell peppers. Then mostly joking, I asked him if he had a similar experience.

He said, "Yes".

I bugged him until he told me the details. He told me that his son asked for a motorcycle. He said that he himself hated them and told his son that he could get one - once he was on his own and moved out of the house. He said that he had no interest in them.

Therefore, his children were surprised to see him enjoying a chopper show where they were rebuilding motor cycle engines. He became conscious of what he was doing only when his kids asked him why he was watching such a show. He said he continues to seek out and watch motorcycle shows on television. He then said that although he had always been a heavy man, that his appetite was now different. He said he went to a buffet and got there at 11:00 am and didn't leave until 4:00 pm. Then, two hours later he went home and ate dinner.

It turns out that his donor was killed on a motorcylce. His donor loved and adored and lived for motorcycles and they were a big part of his life. It also turned out that his donor was a gigantic sized man and he loved to eat. He could eat anybody under the table!

So what's this got to do with pursuing your passions? Well, I have always heard that our cells, the cells of our body which make up our organs have 'memory'. That is from a metaphysical perspective. But from a medical perspective the same thing has been proven. Our DNA is what holds our genes. It is our genes that determine how we look, our physical attributes.

Why would they not, our genes, hold our talents and abilities as well? And if that is the case, why could we not say that our dreams, our hopes, our passions are really a part of us- as in they are a part of the very make-up of our basic physical unit, our cells, our DNA?

I have often heard people say, "If you have a dream in your heart, then it is meant for you to pursue it." When you think about this in terms of the two organ recipients and their experiences, this doesn't seem so nebulous, lofty or far-fetched. It sounds downright...sensible.

The next time something comes up and you find yourself excited by it, wanting to do it or experience or that you are gravitating toward it, don't question it and analyze it.

Trust. Just do it.

Try to make it happen, try to experience it. Pursue that passion. It really is in you to do it. It may be in your cells. Your cells don't forget, because the DNA inside of your cells won't let them forget. Talk about figuratively and literally being true to yourself! Perhaps what we deem as intuition, or a gut feeling, is really our physical cells trying to give us a hint about what we need to do. Perhaps our inner knowing is really 'inner cellular' (not a real phrase....I made it up) knowledge! Doesn't it make sense to 'listen' to it?

As I always say, being beautiful is about being who you are. Embrace those passions, as they may stem from your being who already knows not only what you like, but what you are capable of doing. If it's in you, and based on the aforementinoed stories, it probably is- then it IS meant for you to do it. Pursue it! The only person who may be surprised is you! The rest of you, already knows.

A Funeral is an Invitation to Death, Celebrate Life Instead

2009-09-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

I received an invitation. It was not a funeral announcement. Those are invitations as well. I refuse those kinds of invites in certain circumstances.

Next week, I am headed out to the 80th birthday celebration of someone in my family. I will take a day off from work to attend. Not only that, I will have to fly to one city and then rent a car and drive an hour to get to the event in another city and state. I can't wait to celebrate the life of this individual! I am so excited to be able to celebrate with her and her immediate famly. I believe in celebrating people in life.

In contrast, growing up, my family around me, immediate and extended, always made it a point to attend someone's funeral. Often times, I was required to go with them to see someone in death whom I had no knowledge of in life.

When someone died, people in my family would take time off from work, buy an airplane ticket and make sure they attended that funeral. What I didn't understand was why these same people claimed that they didn't have time to go see these people before and didn't have the money to go see these people - when they were alive.

When someone died, the cash and the time were found. As an adult, I shifted my priorities and changed my way of doing things, especially as it relates to funerals.

I decided that I didn't want my first and last and only memory of someone to be after they died, lying in a coffin, having to rely upon second hand and third hand stories to learn about the recently deceased family member. It always made me feel cheated and that I had missed out. The truth of the matter was, I had missed out. I had missed out on the opportunity of getting to know another, beautiful, powerful human being who happened to be a family member.

Long ago, I vowed that I would create my OWN memories of people. If I didn't know you in life, I certainly didn't want to meet you in death. I stopped attending funerals of family that I did not know or had not had the opportunity to get to know.

At first, I got in trouble. People in my family were angered and offended by my actions. People thought me selfish, inconsiderate and immature and thoughtless.

What I do in my life, is celebrate people in their lives. When ever I can, I take a trip to a town and see who I can. I sit down, have a meal or just talk for a few minutes. I use my money to buy airplane tickets to birthday celebrations, for attending weddings, to meet new additions of the family, to comfort those who are ill or to renew a relationship with someone that I haven't seen in awhile.

I 'find' the time and the money because I make it a priority.

When I go on trips, unless it is to a foreign local, I don't get any rest. I spend my entire time going to see people and visiting homes and houses.

But this is my choice. I am not lamenting my situation. I relish in it. I don't want to know you after you are dead and gone. It leaves me feeling empty. Perhaps I am selfish.

I want to know and love people when they are alive and breathing. I save time and money in my life for the purpose of being able to use it to celebrate someone else's life. I can't go see everyone, and folks need to make the time and effort to come and see me if I can't get to them - but I don't control that. I only control me!

Do what you can to celebrate someone in life, while they are still here to embrace your beautiful face with their loving eyes. Pick up the phone and give them a call, who ever the person may be.

I still attend funerals, but I do it on my own terms, not because of some external obligation or because I should or have to do it. I attend a funeral when I believe that it is meaningful to me and for me.

Light is in the living man, or woman. I try to spend as much time as possible in the light. One way to be sure to do that is in the presence of the living. The light of the living is only magnified when it is part of a celebratory event. That's where I want to be.

Celebrate those you love in life. Don't wait to make it a priority to see someone only after their last breath has passed from their mouths, over their lips, to be gone forever and for always. It may be a hardship and take some effort, but you can do it if you really want to do it.

Cyndi Lauper says, "I want to be the one to walk in the Sun." There is no greater light and warmth than that of someone you love and care about who is alive and breathing. Go see that person and walk in the sun, literally and figuratively, while you still can.

Life is beautiful, celebrate it. When you do, you celebrate yourself and that just adds to you own personal beauty.

Being Childlike, A Necessary Key for Success

2009-08-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I remember this assignment our second grade teacher gave us. She told us to write a story about losing a pet. She asked us to tell how we felt and what we would do. I remember that we did not work in groups and we all wrote our own little essays. Invariably, the majority of us stated that we would get another dog.

I will never forget what she said. "Most of you just said you would get another dog. None of you talked about how sad you were about losing the first dog that you had. You all just said you would get another dog." I remember feeling like she disapproved.

I remember feeling disappointed, guilty or that I had somehow disappointed the teacher by not feeling sad or holding onto the sadness of the loss of the pet. I felt bad because I too had said that I would get another pet. In retrospect, it was the teacher whose action was disappointing.

Instead of realizing and being awed by the children's resiliency, their ability to bounce back and to move on and to continue to enjoy life, she was bothered by our inability to hold on, to continue to grieve, to not be able to let go or move on. She had the problem, not us.
She had lost her ability to be childlike.

This segues into, or transitions perfectly into following and pursuing our dreams. I never understood the exercise, "If you knew you only had a limited time to live, what would you do? Whatever you would chose to do, is what you should be doing with your life right now."

What? I used to get so angry and exasperated by what I thought to be a stupid, stupid, frustrating exercise. I would always say that I'd quit my job and go to the beach and die. How in the heck does that help me pursue my dreams?

Then I had an epiphany, an aha! moment. My reaction to this question and exercise was no different than the reaction the teacher had to her class when she was disappointed with us when we said we would move on and just get another pet.

I too had lost my ability to be childlike.

Huh? What do I mean? How does losing a pet and moving on relate to my inability to see the value of this exercise? Well, because the whole point of the dying exercise is to tell you and to show you that you should be trying to create your dream life right now, today, at this moment. It should not be something that you aspire to do someday. Your dream or ideal life is something that you should be working toward, conciously on a daily basis.

In order to do this, you need to know the destination, what that life looks and feels like, as well as have the faith to work on something that is heretofore unseen, and only imagined or envisaged in your HEAD. In order to put time, energy and effort into something that has not yet manifested and is unseen, you must have faith and belief in that what you are working toward WILL SOMEDAY come to fruition and manifest and be touchable, see-able and live-able in the real world, your world.

In order to do that, you must be childlike in your outlook and in your belief and in your faith. So, that exercise is not lacking, I was lacking in my perception. I couldn't or didn't "get" the exercise because I had somehow become like that teacher that had lost her way, as well. Everyday, I work on my dream. I have written down what I want to do: my destination. I will confess that living on the beach has not changed. The only part that has changed is, the "go to die", part.

I have written out my plan. I have given it great thought and effort. Some days, I feel like I am NO WHERE near where I want to be. I will say that if I were struck dead at this moment, that I would be struck down with my dreams in progress. I will say to you ladies, that being struck down with a dream in progress is a far greater achievement than being struck down with a dream that has been deferred, put off, let go, forgotten or given up upon. Don't do it. Don't defer those dreams.

Remember, "A dream deferred is like a raisin in the sun."

Reach down and pull out that childlike, wide eyed innoncence that you used to have. Dust off that dream has been buried so long. No, I am not where I want to be. But there are so many frequent moments and days when I relish in and experience unadulterated, pure authentic JOY!

Can I go and SHOW somebody my dream in tangible terms? Some of it, but not all of it.
I am genuinely happy. I am pursuing the path that I have always wished to pursue. The end result of that leg of the journey will put me on a beach somewhere, to live, but that won't be the end of my entire journey.

When things don't go the way I want, or when I have setbacks, I don't stay mired in self pity or recrimination or regret. I get up, dust myself off and get back on my path. I deem people naysayers and ignore their comments if I determine that their feedback is nothing but 'crabs in the barrel mentality'.

I don't deem them naysayers upon examination of their criticism if I see that what they say has value, whether or not I am comfortable or like what or how they said it.In order to move from where you are today, to who you wish to be and where you wish to be in your life tomorrow, requires that you know where you are and were you wish to go. More importantly, it requires a plan to get there.

Most importantly, to get there requires that you become childlike in your belief and guard and culitivate that way of seeing and perceiving the world, including your dreams. A child is not naive and ignorant. A child possesses a way of seeing that is a gift that we give up and give away to become what we believe is "to be an adult". A childlike vision remains untainted by the heartache, misery and disappointment of those around us. Childlike vision does not allow for misery for company. Now, I believe that I truly understand the purpose and the benefit for that exercise I used to to be so frustrated by.

"If you only had six months to live, what would you do?"

I wouldn't change a thing. I would do exactly what I am doing today. Enjoying my life, moving toward my dream life, by doing an action to get there on a daily basis, no matter how small that action. That's what I am doing! I finally got it! I got it!

Start today to build that dream life that you have always wanted for yourselves. In time, your inner world will manifest and become your outer world, that you can see and touch. In the meantime, you will be enjoying the journey and your daily life.

A happy woman is a beauful woman. One with a childlike view of the world, where one forgives, forgets, gets up and moves on and has the faith to pursue and believe in her dreams no matter what is unseen and unheard, is a gloriously beautiful woman. A childlike perception or view is a necessary key to accomplishment and success. To your success and to your beauty!

The Brother in First Class and the Vietnamese Man on the Bike

2009-08-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

I had to fly to Europe for a week for my job. On international flights, the company sends you business class, which is also first class, for commercial flying. There were about sixteen seats in all, out of 200 on the plan, that were in first class. I was in one of the seats and a brother was in another.

I tried to catch his eye, not because I was checking him or wanted to get with him. His response was not unusual. I get it from both men and women of color when I travel. He looked away and around me, as if I were in the way. This seems to happen to me often. So much so, that most times, I don't even try to connect with strangers of color. Isn't that a funny sounding term, 'strangers of color'?

He was a large man, probably stood at about 6'5''. He looked like he could have been a professional athlete. I wouldn't know and couldn't tell you because I didn't talk with him. I was travelling with three other gentleman, so it wasn't like I was desperate for conversation. But I wondered about that young man. I wanted to know who he was, what he was doing and why was he going to Scotland?

Not just because I was nosy, but because I wanted to congratulate him on being successful. He could have been a computer programmer or an entrepreneur. I will never know.

I hate flying so I seem to be in the rest room more than I am in my seat. On one of my 48 trips back from my place of safe haven, the restroom, I looked up and he was looking in my face. I smiled and immediately looked away as I did not want to be disappointed by his not returning my smile or by a lack of acknowledgement from him.

It wasn't like the man was brooding and moody. I was blinded by his pearly whites and giant grin whenever the stewardess walked by. She was cute, ya'll so don't be hating on him.

Fast forward. I buy a lot of my food from an Asian food grocery store in town. There was a gentleman in there buying food. He may have been in his 70's. The first thing that struck me was that the clerk was saying,"You have eleven (11) dollars left. Find something else for eleven (11) dollars." The 70 year old gentleman could barely form a word, let alone a complete sentence in English. His mental faculties were fine. He just didn't speak the English language.

I asked the clerk why did the man need to know he had eleven more dollars and the clerk said that was his [welfare] check from the government and that the gentleman wanted to spend all of the check in its entirety. I asked from where the older gentleman came and was told he was from Vietnam. In the midst of all this, he had lost his walking cane. I tried to catch his eyes to see if I could help, but he just looked past me and around me. I was disappointed because I wanted to help. I wanted to know his story, as well. But of course it didn't happen. He grinned brightly at the store clerk/owner, though. I thought that he had to be pretty courageous to come to this country at his age, without family, without knowing the language. On my way home in my car, I passed the gentleman on his way home, on his bike.

I encountered both gentlemen during a journey, one was long and far, the other short and close. I was unable to communicate with one person due to a social barrier and the other due to a language barrier. These experiences for me are the exception, as opposed to the rule.

Most times, I am able to find or have some kind of active connection or interaction with people. In both of these instances, I was unable to do so. Our connectivity was that I was on the same path, in the same place, at the same time as they, during my respective encounters with them.

I felt just as far apart, just as distant from the gentleman on the plane as I did from the gentleman in the store, for different reasons, but with the same result: no connectivity.

As these two experiences converged, or met, or came together in my mind, I realized that it is a privilege and an honor to connect with another person. More importantly, what may be required to connect with one person may be totally differently than what is required to connect with another person.

So ladies, don't assume and presume like I did, that because someone has some similarities to you- looks like you, eats like you- that the connection should require less effort or no effort or the same effort as it did for the person before.

Instead of being critical or labeling that person in your office, or at your place of business or in your neigborhood as 'typical', ignorant, or strange, try to do something else - first.

Be conscious of the fact that perhaps what it may take to connect or understand from where this person is coming, is something that you may have never called forth from yourself before. Be concious of the fact that you may not possess what it takes to connect with that other person.

Although you are not going to want to connect with every stranger in the street and in the world, I think it is important to keep this at the forefront of our minds. It is quite easy to dismiss or ignore someone. It is a lot harder to pull back, step back and let someone just be - who they are.

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you hear yourself thinking, "Look at that fool". Or think in an exasperated tone, "What is her problem!?" Be open to the fact that perhaps there truly is no problem, perhaps he is not a fool. Perhaps there is some kind of barrier, be it language, social, cultural or some other kind of barrier, that you can't even put your finger on.

Instead of judging, or labeling, just simply let it be. You see, sometimes in order for water to do its powerful and greatest work, it doesn't need to be dammed up, redirected or harnessed. Water can be at its most powerful for you, when you just stand back and look at it and let it be.

It simply needs to just swirl around your feet and envelope you in its essence. It needs to simply just be left to be. What takes your breath away: harnessed water going over a dam or a glimpse of an open, turquoise sea where the beads of light glisten and gleam upon its waves underneath the shining sun?

The next time you encounter someone who is different or difficult, it just may mean what is required [of you] is to just let him or her be. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you were given that gift in all the interactions that YOU have?

Give to others what you wish to receive. Not because it's tit for tat: I gave you this, so you give me that. But because you can. When you are conscious and cognizant about what you do and who you are, the need to control, harness, redirect, judge or criticize, diminishes.

It may not be meant for you to connect. When one 'connects' with another, it infers that the interaction is pleasant and/or effortless. When one does not connect, the connotation is negative.

Letting something, someone or even a situation 'be', is much harder and requires more of us. That in itself is a skill we all may need to hone.

Start with yourself and, "Just let yourself be."

When you do, that difficult person at work, that weird person in your neighborhood or that fool by the trashcan may cease to be, and transform into something more beautiful than you have ever known, right before your very eyes. That difficult situation my resolve itself. That pain and sadness may just ease and subside.

It's easy to jump quick to judgement. It's so much harder and far more rewarding to let something be, especially when that something is another person, situation or experience different from you or differnt from anything you have ever encountered before. Just stand there and be awed. Sometimes that is far more appropriate than to try to harness and control it. It just may turn out to be the most beautiful thing, person or situation that you have ever experienced.

Never Lend Broke Family, Friends or Folks Money...

2009-08-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Always give it to them with no strings attached. If someone asks you for money you need to ask yourself, "If I give away this money, is this going to adversely impact me? Will I not be able to pay a bill or meet my own financial obligations?"

If the answer is, "Yes, by letting go of this money, I am going to place myself in dire straits, or trouble," then you CAN'T AFFORD to release the money. But if by releasing the money, there is no impact on your financial obligations, ie. you still will be able to feed yourself and pay your bills, then you CAN AFFORD to release the money.

If you can afford to release the money, release it all the way, don't attach any strings. Strings are, "I am giving you this money on a conditional basis, I want it back at a later date. Or, do this for me if I give you this money." Release the money all the way or don't release it at all.

If somebody says they want to pay you back, let them say it. But don't you say, "Okay, give it back to me when you can." You just let it go - FOREVER.

If someone insists that they are going to pay it back, or that they want to pay it back, I let them say it. The need for them to say that is just that, their need, not mine.

It has nothing to do with me. I always add, "I don't want it back. If I have released this to you, I don't want or need it back. It is my gift to you. If I couldn't afford to give it to you, I wouldn't give it to you. Period."

But there is a deeper and more important implication for you here. That is, in order to be able to give money to someone you choose, who is in need, YOU need to be in a stable enough, financial position to do so. It is not about giving away thousands or even hundreds of dollars. It could be a few bucks, a twenty dollar bill or something in between.

Am I rich? Heck no! But I try to live within my means so that if someone I know needs some financial help, I can provide it if that is what I want to do. To put myself in this kind of position, places the onus or accountability/obligation on me to try to have my financial house in order.

When you are always trying to make ends meet, struggling from paycheck to paycheck, that is not a position of power. Although we are all beholding to someone, at some level, be it our boss, our company, our spouse or whatever, it is possible to have some financial autonomy and independence.

It is very important to get yourself in a position so that in the least, YOU won't have to ask someone for a financial helping hand. It is simple, but not easy to do.

To release money to someone who needs it and to be able to do it with no adverse financial impacts to your wallet, is a gift that you create for yourself.

You honor yourself by not having to be indebted to others for stuff that has long lost it its value. More importantly, you give yourself the gift of freedom which in turn enables you to provide financial support for others, in the form of releasing money to them. Money that you have said, "Goodbye to", always and forever.

You see, we are all connected. And you never know whose life you touch or who you help. Contrary to the actions of so many people, when you help someone else, you truly benefit - you do not lose in the long run. That same person you helped may not come back around and do the same for you, but that is not the point, now is it.

Do the world a favor. Get yourself in a position so that you can release money. I have heard and seen it written that if you love something and let it go, if it is meant to be, it will come back to you. I say the same thing about support. When you release and give support to others freely, in the form of money, with no strings attached, I believe that it always comes back to you.

Beauty is as beauty does. Do it, you beautiful creatures, you!

L and F Insurance Used to be Life and Fire Insurance...Not Anymore!

2009-07-26T04:37:00.000-07:00

Life and Fire insurance were the two things I immediately thought of when I would see L & F insurance. Forget Life and Fire insurance - I mean keep it for your home and for your everyday part of life and expand it.

L and F is now for location and financial, insurance has been changed to, "Independence!"

That's right, I am talking about Location and Financial Independence. The world is changing. We all know that if the world starts to blow, and the shuttle takes off for new places, the only one of us likely to have a seat is the one hanging onto the turbo boosters and that will be because you jumped and grabbed on when it took off - and the fire was too hot for somebody official to risk it and stop you!

"The world is changing!" I say. It has long gone past get a degree, get a job and live happily ever after. That guarantee disappeared with the 20 year career at one company.

Location Independence is about setting up the way you earn money so that you can be independent of a building, a city, a country or even a region. It's about leveraging the technology that is here today and coming tomorrow, to create a business model to use the skills you have have honed on the job, to create a life independent of a job, a company or a place.

Financial independence is about setting up the way you earn money so that you can be independent of a corporation or a job that dictates what you have to do and how you have to do it.

Do I advocate that we all just get up and quit our jobs and go home to figure out how to have the new L & F insurance of today? No way! It is first a shiftng of your thinking, a gradual movement that changes your way of looking at the world.

Okay, so what does that have to do with you all?

"The world is changing," I say!

I sound sort of like Paul Revere when he was riding across town saying, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Start looking at your skills. What is it about what you do at your job that you can leverage and make your own, for your own business, for your own financial independence?

Start looking at your skills. What is it about what you do at your job that you can leverage and make your own, for your own business, for your location independence?

It is no longer about staying at a brick and mortar facility, going in day in and day out at a place that you might not want to be.

It's about creating systems, processes and leveraging technology so that you can earn while you sleep, or can be in one place enjoying a tropical sunset or maybe the snow on the slopes or maybe just enjoying unhindered and uninterrupted time with your family.

People have been doing this for years. Technology is making it easier for more of us to be able to join the location and financial independent. Don't get me wrong, it is not about get rich type deals or network marketing or selling from door to door. Indeed, you can get your L & F in place with by pursuing these paths --- but there are so many others. It is limitless.

Too often I see people put up with the maltreatment from a lousy boss, because they have bills to pay and they think they just have to take it. If you are financially independent, you are still going to have problems, but you don't have to put up with a boss who demeans you. That's how so many people go on a shooting rampage at their jobs. They feel so helpless and beat down, that 'taking somebody off the set' seems to be their only way out. Note: I know none of you would do this!

Too often I see people waiting until they are dry, crusty, sick or almost dead before they see another place, before they pursue their dreams, before they do what makes them happy. In the meantime, because they might be miserable, they make others around them miserable as well....Wait a minute - this may be the source of the lousy boss - perhaps he or she is unfulfilled and unhappy as well. Maybe you could talk to that lousy boss about getting some L & F 'insurance' in place.

The world is changing.

Although you can't anticipate how, why, when or where the world will change, you know that tomorrow will not look like today. Control as much as you can- that which is in YOUR sphere of control. Be accountable and responsible for YOU. That means, take some of the control out of the environment. Start creating processes and procedures and businesses that put some earnings in your pocket while you sleep or are away from the office, that are independent of your

J-O-B!

If you are worried about money, worse, if you don't have any money, that can be a real downer on your looks and on your beauty. You may be down, but not necessarily out! As long as you have breath in your body, you are never out for the count.

Start thinking about it today.

NOT when you are

Laid off

Overlooked or

Asked to leave.

Automate your processes, don't make it so that you have to be "on" 24/7 to earn your living. If you sit down and think about it, study about it, something will come up. It may be a trickle today. But hey, the mighty rock carvings impacted by water, happened a drop at a time, right!

Think about L & F insurance. That's what insurance is for, right? To cover you in time of need? And don't we say, "It is always better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it?"

Get yourselves in a position of having it and not needing it. Because we all know that when that rocket ship takes off for new worlds, that it is very unlikely somebody is going to give US a ticket for free. Too often, not only is that ticket not freely given, the price is often too steep for many of us to pay. So I say, start building your vessel today.

Worry and lack are two big stressors. You know that financial stress or any kind of stress is like a drug, it eats into your beauty and ravages it until you are just a spector of what you once were.

Keep that traditional L & F Insurance and add some modern insurance to it. Start building your location and financially independent lifestyle. That's good beauty insurance. It allows you to sleep at night. We all know that there isn't anything better for beauty than some quality rest and sleep. Ensure and insure your beauty for tomorrow!

Inoculation by Validation: Be Your Own Biggest Fan

2009-07-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't feel great when you receive a compliment that seems genuine? It is only human to want to be celebrated and wanted and welcomed. This is what I define as validation. We want others to put that stamp upon us and say, "You're __________"! You fill in the blank. When it comes to beauty, words and phrases that might fill this in are ones like,"You are so beautiful! Your are gorgeous! What beautiful hair you have! Fabulous physique"!

Every one has their achilles heel, that missing scale where the skin is soft under the great, fierce dragon's belly. We all have a weakness. With us, that vulnerable entry point is our beauty. As large and as vast as America is, it is quite insulated. That is an important point that you must understand. For all its diversity, there is still a tremendous amount of homogenization that occurs within its boundaries.

During the early 1900's the school system was the medium used to indoctrinate and Americanize the influx of immigrants whose parents were of different nationalities, cultures, ethnicities and spoke different languages. The grade schools were designated as the iron cooking kettle pot authorized to melt down and homogenize the many into a soup of homogenized peoples. There are many gains and there are many loses as well.

When a mainstream is created, there will always be people and things that rest close to that mainstream ideal and those that are far from it. The closer you are to that mainstream ideal, the more likely you are to be celebrated, embraced by it and accepted by it and into it.

Be cautious, and know that a mainstram ideal is not necessarily haphazardly or accidentally created. It is often orchestrated and has a congnizant, conscientious genesis. A different way to say this is that an ideal is created on purpose, by someone or some group with a purpose. Yeah, so what? What's that got to do with you? Everything and nothing.

Everything in that you may not see what you got as being positively reflected in the mainstream. Nothing in that, it has really nothing to do with you and should have no bearing upon the validation of who you are. What do I mean?

It's not about comparing your physical beauty to someone else's beauty, to see who is the best. It's about celebrating and embracing what you have been given. It's about taking the beauty that you have been gifted with and elevating THAT beauty, your own personal beauty, to the highest echelons, or levels, that there are. You do that by loving who you are. When you do this, you will radiate a beauty that is incomparable to YOUR old self, not someone else. Pick out a woman who you think is absolutely gorgeous. You'll be able to find someone that genuinely and authentically thinks she is barely attractive. What's my point?

Not just that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Make sure that when you put your eye upon YOURSELF that the beauty you are beholding is your own beauty that you acknowledge, accept and embrace. Make sure that in the least, that the beauty you see always includes your own. When you learn how to validate your own self, your own beauty, it serves like protection.

Self validation, is the 'stamp of approval' that you provide to yourself. It is what will keep you afloat when you may feel excluded, not included and/or not celebrated. Inoculate yourself so that during those times you will be protected.

Start building your immunity today. Use self validation as your form of inoculation. When the day comes and you feel like the world, or even just that one person you so badly want to embrace and accept you doesn't embrace you, because of your inoculation- it will be just another day. It won't knock you off your feet, or take you for a loop or even put you out of circulation for a moment or a day.

An inoculated person or body, is somewhat insulated from rampant disease, no matter what form that dis-ease may take. And when you are insulated, you can extend a helping hand to fortify those around you who may have not had the opportunity or the time to build or get their 'stamp of approval' forged and made.

Be your biggest fan.

There will be many days when you will be your only fan. Don't be fooled by the seemingly harmlessness of beauty. It is not an innocuous or harmless concept. It can very easily be used as a weapon against you.

Hone your beauty and shield it with a mighty sword. Protect it at all costs. Don't let it be the entry point that someone can use against you to stop YOU in your tracks. Understand what's going on around you and use that understanding like a pole vault to get to where you got to go. Make your understanding an ally, not a hindrance or a point of weakness.

You are beautiful. When you don't know this, you are vulnerable, beatable and maleable. Self validate to inoculate.

Keep marching onward. Perhaps, when you turn to steal a glimpse into the crowd, those standing and cheering you on, you will see and recognize yourself, standing and cheering you on the loudest. Because you see, self validation creates inoculation, and in this case takes the form of YOU seeing and being- your biggest fan.

"They Hang People Like You High Where I Grew Up"

2009-06-24T17:48:00.001-07:00

Is what he said, then he chuckled to himself. This was his response to me. I had asked him which city in Georgia he came from. That's when he smiled and said,"They hang people like you high where I grew up." I kid you not. I don't make this stuff up.

Of course I failed to see the humor in his remark. I looked at him sideways and gave him the evil eye, and dismissed him off as an ignorant fool. "He" was my neighbor in the downstairs apartment, in my building in a suburb outside of Atlanta, Georgia. He had a wife and child that he adored.I liked his wife.

Since he didn't say much to me after that comment, and she did, I sort of lumped him together with her and thought of them as nice people. They had problems with DUIs. I know because she would stop me on my way up the stairs some days and share bits of her life.

One morning I got up and had cramping in my stomach. I took some pain medicine but it didn't seem to go away. I decided to stay home from work. It got worse. I was so incapacitated that I could barely walk. I knew I couldn't drive myself to the emergency room. I really didn't want to call an ambulance.

I called the front office. She called a taxi for me. I got dressed as best as I could and descended the stairs, one painful step at a time. I sat huddled on the last step gasping in between the shots of pain, waiting on the hard concrete steps for the taxi to arrive. I felt embarassed, afraid and alone.

Not in the least bit comforting, but who did I see walking up? My neighbor. It was him. I lowered my head and hoped he pass without a word. He did not.

"What's wrong with you?" peering down at me with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. I may have been bent over with pain, but if just one piece of burning ash were to get on me, we would both be needing some care. By this time the lady in the front office had walked down to where I was waiting for the taxi. She was going to stay with me until the taxi came.

"I tell you what", he offered, "I'll give you a ride to the hospital".

"But we have already called the taxi," I responded with relief as I saw the taxi approach.

"Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it," he said.

I looked up at him, curiously. I nodded and let him do his thing. He opened the passenger side of the taxi and explained the situation. Then he pulled a couple of dollars out of his pocket and handed them to the taxi driver for his trouble.

There was no smell of liquor on his person, so I just acquiesced and went with him. He took me to my doctor's office. It turns out, she had two offices. So we left there and drove to the second one. I had to wait for an hour or so before she would see me. I laid on the floor, curled at his feet in a ball to try to stave off the pain. Every now and then he would peer at me, over the magazine page he was reading, from his chair and see how I was doing. He didn't say much.

When I finally got in to see the doctor, she told me to go to the emergency room. My neighbor helped me to his car and drove me to the emergency room. He made sure I got to where I needed to go for admission. He left because he needed to pick up his child from school.

In the meantime, he called my parents and gave them the name of the hospital and the directions. By this time, he had been with me for about five (5) hours. Everything turned out all right and I was discharged the next day. I never went back to that doctor again but that's another story.

I will never forget that man and what he did for me that day. He gave me comfort when I was afraid and alone. He helped me when I could not help myself. He stayed by my side until I got to where I needed to be. He made sure he found my parents and apprised them of what had happened and where to find me.

Nothing is ever black or white. People and things are not always what they seem. Never in a million years would I have suspected that this man would do what he did for me. He did, without question, without expectation of repayment.

Life is complex. People are complex. People and things are not always as they seem. I will never be able to repay him for what he did for me that day. But what I did do was further resign myself to be conscious of helping whomever I could in their time of need.

Perhaps he helped me because he had resigned to help people like me that they hung high where he grew up. After that day, he and I never had a conversation again.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

How to Keep Your Man, Ladies!

2009-06-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I absolutely hate any discussion or topic that even infers the above erroneous assumption. Erroneous means incorrect or wrong. It is a wrong assumption because ladies, not only can you NOT keep a man who doesn't want to be with you, but this statement infers and assumes that

YOU alone are accountable and responsible for the success of the relationship.

Slim down so your man can find you sumptuous.
Learn the signs that he may not be into you.
How to cook a meal to make him fall in love with you and stay home.
Learn the tricks in bed that will keep him satisfied and out the streets.
Get the eight secrets that will keep him glued to your lips.
Discover what to say to keep him interested and committed.
Develop these communication traits to keep him faithful.

The answer to all the tricks, secrets and tips and discoveries is that there are no such answers. It is a myth.

The most nefarious or wicked thing that women have been conditioned to believe is that YOU, we women, are solely accountable and responsible for the success of the relationship with our significant other.

I'm here to tell you, it just is not true.

If you hug a hobbit daily , ride a unicorn to get from home to work or even just for leisure, and borrow a few coins everyy now and then from your neighbor the leprechaun at 2020 End of the Rainbow Way, then excuse me, 'cause I'm not talking to you.

Are you accountable and responsible for yourself in a relationship? Of course, absolutely!
So many of us take this myth, that it is our duty as women, to hold on to our man, lock stock and barrel. So when he leaves, or cheats or loses interests in you, we blame ourselves and say, "What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right?"

I'm saying, don't you believe it. People fall in and out of love all the time. When the love is gone, then it makes sense to part ways.

What I am talking about is the belief that a relationship failed because you were not enough, because it was your fault. If you have been authentically yourself, respected your partner and supported that person, been faithful and done all that you would want someone to have done and be for you, and things don't work out...Chalk it up as a part of life. It is NOT because YOU have failed. It is not because YOU are a failure.

Never forget that when two people get together, both are taking a risk. Both persons are accountable. Every body has problems, weaknesses, past hurts and unresolved issues and feelings in their lives.

If a person leaves you or disprespects you, remember, it has NOTHING to do with you. I am by no means saying that you are perfect and that you don't make mistakes. What I am saying is don't assume a relationship failed because of your lack of cooking, lovemaking, dieting or whatever skills. Never let someone tell you that either.

People come to relationships with their issues intact. Just because you say, "I do or I commit" doesn't mean those issues, and personl problems fall away magically because of love. They do not.

So, does this mean you can act a fool because whomever you are with needs to take some of your crap for a change? Absolutely not!

All I am trying to say is that in every aspect of this life you are living, you are accountable and responsible for YOURSELF - no one else. Have no expectations of your mate or any person for that matter. Choose your mate as wisely as you can, and give that person the benefit of the doubt. You can not dictate or control what someone does or what someone says. You can only control yourself.

Understand that when someone acts a fool, that it is soley their choice. It has nothing to do with you.

Improve your cooking because YOU want to learn to be a better cook. Learn to be a better listener so that YOU can be supportive, because YOU want to improve that aspect of yourself. Care for your body and your health because YOU want to look and feel good for YOU - not because you want to keep your man.

If you learn and do things only to keep your man, you are neither being real and authentic, nor are you being honest. In fact, you are operating under an ulterior motive. You are saying, "If I do this, then he SHOULD or will do this." Basically, you are doing something ONLY because you want something back. Hmm....

The word 'should' is just another word for expectation - that you have set- or have for someone else. Your expectations apply to you and you alone. That's the only person you control.

Improve yourself for you, so that you can be a better person. Become the person and the woman that you wish to be. Will you attract the mate that you dream about? I don't know and that misses the whole point entirely.

Stop worrying about how to keep your man and focus on how to keep yourself, figuratively and literally.

You are accountable and responsible for bringing a whole, healthy person to a relationship. You are accountable for being yourself and your best self. As long as you accept the mythical 'fact' that you are responsible for the success of your relationship with your significant other, you will ALWAYS be disappointed.

Life is to be enjoyed. It is not to be experienced as one disappointment after another. Exercise your control over what you can- YOURSELF! Dream of the beautiful woman you wish to become. If you stick to it, one day you are going to look up and realize that you are that woman you set out to be. So the next time you worry about how to keep your man, don't forget to throw in worrying about how to trap Big Foot and/or snap a picture of the Lochness Monster. Because worrying about any or all of it yields the same result, nothing. Focus on yourself and become all that you can: a beautiful, fabulous woman from the inside out.

How Come Ya'll Still Got Jet Magazine and All Black Colleges?

2009-06-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

This man asked me the above aforementioned question. I don't get offended by these kinds of questions because to me they are dialogues that need to happen. He continued.

"I want my child to be able to have real competition. If you are attending an all black college, isn't that limiting? And why do you have to have an all black magazine, like Jet? It should be about everybody, not just one race of people."

I thanked him for his frankness. Then I cussed him out.

Naw, ya'll...I'm just playing! I didn't cuss him out. I started with the easier of the two. I asked him,"Have you ever heard of Bono from U2?"

He replied that he had. Then I asked him, "Have you ever heard of Chris Tucker?"

A smile played across his lips and his face lit up with the memory of something pleasant. "Yes, I have. He played in those movies with Jackie Chan, Rush Hour, I think it's called, " he added.

I continued. "Did you hear about Bono being considered for a Nobel Peace prize because of his work in Africa?"

He nodded affirmatively and added,"Yes, that sounds familiar".

Then I said, "Did you know that Chris Tucker was present at the same points and places as Bono and he nary received a mention? And do you know the only place I saw that was in Jet Magazine? My point is, that the accomplishments of African-Americans are often times overlooked or ignored by the mainstream media. You didn't know about Chris Tucker, but I did. As long as there is racism in this world, there will always be a need and a place for a magazine like Jet. That's one reason we still have Jet, or at least the reason why I embrace it."

I told him, "You and I both know that racism is very prevelant in America. It is present during hiring, during dating and is pervasive in every aspect of our lives, especially for people of color. If a man wins an award at an 'exclusive' law firm, that consistently screens out and blocks people because of their color or their sex, is HIS award based upon REAL competition? I would say, 'NO!' The possible competition may have been screened out 'before the games even began.' "

I don't think he ever asked or questioned, "How come all the management of most companies is all white males?"

But you, know, I didn't get angry with this gentleman. You see, he is the one who is limited. He is caged in by the perceptions that he has, conditioned over time. When you are forced to walk on the outside, the peripheral, you develop a vision and sharpness that those who rest comfy on the inside never will.

Open up your mind, your heart, and your arms to all kinds of people and all kinds of questions. You will see that the creature that was once trapped in the gilded cage, may not be totally free, but he may find respite or rest, or obtain temporary crystal clear vision just for a moment, but long enough to flap and expand his unused wings.

And when we allow someone to soar, or even just aid them on that journey a little bit, we plant a little seed of hope and understanding. Perhaps that seed will grow into a tree that will someday eradicate the need for an all black magazine. Especially if the purpose for the creation of that magazine is to celebrate the accomplishments of a race of people because nowhere else is it being done or to present a realistic and fair depiction of them that can't be found anywhere else.

Don't let that stop you ladies! No matter what, let those love lights shine. Take the high road as often as you can. Your patience and understanding may open the door for dialogue that is healing and enlightening for someone else. Patience and understanding pay dividends. What could be more beautiful than that?

Bottom Billion, Blessings and Beyonce

2009-06-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

Do you know that there are 1 billion people in this world who occupy the lowest rung of the economic ladder? Do you know that statistically, these 1 billion people will never, ever escape this socio-economic status? They will remain in this abject poverty from their birth to their death, from cradle to grave. Do you know that these people are the bottom billion, beyond the global poverty line? That means there are billions and billions of people who exist below the poverty line, but the bottom billion of which I am referencing is the bottom of the bottom.

If you have the luxury of reading this, in English, then you are obviously not in this group. The 'random roll' of the dice has enabled you to be born in a time, place, family and country, where you are not statistically doomed to be or remain in abject poverty.

If you can read this, you are truly blessed. The next time you covet that gorgeous bag Beyonce has or her shoes or her life, remember this. The chances of you having a life like Beyonce, are less than 1 in a billion. The chance that you could have been born in the bottom billion, is a billion times more likely.

Embrace who your are, develop what talents you have and hone them to a razor sharp edge. Do this so that you can contribute your talents where they are needed. Perhaps by six degrees of separation, someone you help helps someone, who helps someone else, who helps someone else, who helps someone else, who helps someone else, you indirectly touch and lift one person out of the bottom billion pit.

So the next time you whine about or lament the fact that you don't have what someone has, like a Beyonce, know that you probably have no idea about the pressures that she has to deal with on a daily basis. Nor do you have the support that she likely has or the coping skills that she has honed over the course of her career.

Most importantly, know that it is more likely that you could have been born in the bottom billion, or below the world poverty line, than it is for you to have been born a Beyonce or someone who had her opportunities.

Relish and bask in the knowledge that you are blessed to be who you are: a beautiful creature who walks in the sun who has the opportunity every day to lift someone up. The person that you help may not be mired in the bottom billion, but you never know.

Illuminate the pathway of your steps already taken, and those you have yet to take,

with the lamplight of your Soul

which

always reflects your inner light and beauty.

How? By being conscious of and counting your blessings.

Never Depend on the Kindness of Strangers

2009-06-11T16:54:00.001-07:00

In the play and movie, A Streetcar Named Desire, Blanche Dubois utters the famous line, "I always depended on the kindness of strangers," as she is ushered out the door by men dressed in white, to the 'Crazy House'.

When I lived in Japan, a fellow co-worker lost her job. She was American and in her late forties or early fifties. She had left everything behind to live and work in Japan. In her mind she believed she had nothing outside of Japan. I called her early one morning and strangely got no answer. I found out from another co-worker that when she was unable to find another job, she checked into a hotel, wrote a note and then eased her life away with a bottle of pills.

Fast forward to Mexico City. I decided to step into a pretty little street side ice cream shop. There I was seriously contemplating the flavor and the size of the ice cream scoop. The palms of my hands laid against the ice cream display glass like little suction cups. My fingers were spread and splayed out in all directions as if I were trying to grasp my scoop through the glass.

The interesting thing is I can't remember whether or not I ever bought that ice cream cone. What I remember most about that day was the woman I bumped into outside of that ice cream shop.

She was in her eighties, living in a downtown apartment near the the very heart of the center of Mexico, near the zocalo. Stores were great, but apartments tended to be seedy there. What I found most incredulous or unbelievable was that she was living alone in Mexico and spoke no Spanish. Here is her story.

She said that her husband fell ill. All of their life savings were spent during his long illness. Her son had died in his forties. She had no one else. She moved to Mexico because it was the only place she believed that she could live on the small social security check she got from the US government. I'll never forget the moment I said good bye to her. I watched her back as she mounted the steeply inclined, narrow stairway, one step at a time. Her outstretched feeble arms shakily gripped the rails on either side. I stood and watched as she finally disappeared up the stairway and was absorbed by the darkness of the dimly lit passageway.

I never saw her again.

We never know how we will end up or end our days. What is important is to not wait until tomorrow, or someday, to plan. The saying goes, "People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan."
I can't even say that either woman failed to plan.

There are no guarantees in this life, except that we will all pass from it someday. Although we do not have control over our circumstances we can become aware. Part of being aware is doing the best we can to plan for our days when there may not be a steady paycheck because of illness, lack of a job, retirement or an accident.

If you do not plan, you may find yourself having to depend upon the kindness of strangers. If you do, you may not have the options that you would desire for yourself if you had other choices.

In addition, I would implore you to be that kind stranger that someone may have to depend upon. What that means is to have no expectations of others, prepare as best as you can for that rainy day, month, year or several years. Just as importantly, always treat people in need or not with reverence and kindness.

I hope that you never have to depend upon the kindness of strangers. I do hope that strangers can always depend upon you being kind.

Taking the high road is never easy. Have no expectations of others, only of yourself. Stay on that path to being and showing how truly beautiful you are and can be. Day by day, you will beautify all that you touch, bit by bit. The world needs a stranger upon which it can depend for kindness. Somewhere, somehow, someday, you may be called to fulfill that role. I know that you will perform beautifully!

The Beggar In The Brand New Car

2009-05-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

As I was leaving the highway to go home, movement near a shiny black car caught my attention. The gentleman exiting the Forerunner had a cardboard sign in his hand. I said to my husband, "He must be getting ready to put a for sale sign on his car."

My husband said, "Ah uh," shaking his head. Before he could explain, a voice from a car to my right exploded and shot through my windshield and out the other said, at the man with the sign. Then I realized what was happening.

The young woman to my right was very angry. I could not catch the exchange of words between this young African American woman and the "homeless" caucasian man with his need-money-for -food sign that was stepping away from his spit shined brand new black Toyota Forerunner.

We had to cross a small intersection and then we were stopped by another light. The African American woman pulled up next to us. She was on the telephone. I wasn't eaves dropping because she was talking so loudly, that she drowned out my radio and my conversation with my husband. So, we listened to her conversation.

"I am so tired of this sh#^", she shouted into her phone. Here it is I feel guilty because these people are asking for money, for a dollar, and he steps his a@@ out of a brand new car. Every Sunday I see this. It doesn't make any f-ing sense..." She continued. "It is Sunday and I am supposed to be going to church and here I am cussing folks out." By the way, at the first light at which were stopped, she held up traffic, stopped her car and did cuss that man out. I was witness to that so she wasn't lying to the unknown person on the other end of her cell phone connection.

Then she put her friend on hold, by pulling away from the speaker, and looked at my husband and I and said, "Can you believe he is out here begging and he's stepping out of a car that looks way better than mine? That doesn't make any sense."

My husband had said seconds before she spoke to us,"See that's why I don't give people money. I give my money to people directly, who I believe need it."

I looked at her and said, "It is not worth it to get your blood pressure up because of that man. Stop cussin' and go on to church like you said you were going to do." She just smiled and continued her tirade with the other person on the other side of the telephone conversation. The light turned green and we went our separate ways: the beggar, the young woman and my husband and I. The only thing that was stationary was the shiny black Forerunner that stood at attention, like a silent gleaming beacon that wanted to tell the world that it was forced to carry around a beggar in a brand new car.

I thought what that man was doing was foul. But I have no control over him or over any person. When we start saying what people should be doing, those are setting expectations. Having expectations of other people will disappoint you every time.

Sure, you want to give folks the benefit of the doubt, but when you start expecting them to say certain things and act a certain way, then you are projecting what you feel and what you believe onto someone else. In this lady's case, she was setting an expectation, and was angered that this stranger, a stranger, did not meet her expectations. He should have been honest and in real need as opposed to begging when he was driving around in a shiny new ride.

You have no control over other people or what they do. You do have control over yourself. It does no good to you to get angry when someone does not live up to what you expect. Recognize those are YOUR expectations, not theirs. Live your life. Don't waste your precious, priceless time being angered by what someone else is doing, especially if YOU cannot change it.

What you can change is yourself. Who you can set expectations for is YOU. When you know this, you know yourself. Knowing who you are is a wonderful beauty elixer. It stops wrinkles before they start, it stops ulcers before they bleed and it stops strokes before they can strike.

Of course, this is not for sure. The one thing that is for sure is that you and only you can set expectations for yourself, and meet those expectations. Focus on what you can change and what you can support. That would be yourself. When you focus on yourself, and provide the care and nurturing you need, you strengthen yourself to help carry the load of the community. Leverage your effort and your focus where it matters: on that which you can control. When you do, you will certainly see a shift in your world. Bit by bit you can make a difference, and do so beautifully.

Do Not Touch Me: Unless Prior Permission Granted

2009-05-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

I have read or maybe have seen written somewhere that Oprah Winfrey said that women are intimidated by two service providers in their lives: their hair stylists and their doctors.

I don't have issues with my hair stylist because I communicate my needs. I let the person know what I want or don't want. I watch the person like a hawk in the mirror and I stop her before it looks like she is about to "do me" permanent damage - like she has the scissors too high up on my hair - for a 'trim' or when she tries to leave a styling implement on my hair, until smoke is emitted from the iron teeth of that mechanical monster called the flat iron or marcel curler. Now doctors...well that's a different and sad story. Well, it used to be...

Have you ever seen a threatened or cornered a raccoon? It is frightening. Raccoons are dangerous when they are cornered. Prior to having an epiphany, I used to act just like one of those things at the doctor's office: vicious.

I couldn't figure out why every single doctor I encountered irked me. Then it hit me.

One day, I had symptoms that seemed to indicate that I had a very serious illness. My family doctor sent me to a specialist that he said, "Every body just loves her." My worst outbreak ever happened with her. I acted UP in there with the doctor that everyone just loved - except me of course!

First, I was scared. I was afraid of what the prognosis might be. She kept saying things like, "Hmmm..hmmm", without saying why she was making that hmm sound.

Then before I realized what was going on, she sprayed some numbing medicine in my nose and shoved a tube into my nostrils and down my throat.

Then she had the nerve to say,"Shh...shhhh...it's okay... I know..," as if she were soothing some naive little child who didn't know what was best for her. It was ON from there. Before she could pull that tube out all the way from my nose, the raccoon in me was UNLEASHED!

I slapped that tube and her hand away from me and swiped my nose with the back of my hand as if I had a furry paw and little claws to match. There was nothing lady like about it. It was a reflex. I later apologized to her. She acted like it wasn't a problem. Later I found out that she notated on my chart that I was aggressive. I found this out when I had her refer me to yet another doctor.

That woman enraged me. I believe that it was fueled by fear; my fear. I also felt humiliated and helpless. But so what, it was irrational and I had to get control. I was ashamed of my behavior. When I was calm, I sat down and meditated on it a bit and that's when I made my discovery.

It was my fault!

I had not asked for what I needed. I hadn't known what I needed. It was a situation not unlike one might experience with a stylist. I realized that I needed two things from my doctor.

First, it was imperative that the doctor explain to me what he or she was going to do BEFORE they did it.

Second, I wanted to be asked to be touched. Don't just reach out and put your hands on me. I wasn't a mute newborn or a pet at the vet. Ask to touch me.

I wondered if I was being unreasonable. But I learned long ago, it is important to acknowledge how you feel, no matter how illogical it may seem. So I tried it out...with the doctor to whom the "nose tube shover" had referred me.

The doctor looked at me and said, "It says here that you got aggressive with the last doctor." I was taken aback that it had been placed on my PERMANENT records. I explained to the doctor what happened.

Then, with my heart beating, risking that I would look and sound like A. Fool I said what I had to say.

"That woman disrespected me. She shoved something down my nose without telling me she was going to do it. Nor did she ask me if it were alright for her to do it. That is why I shoved her hands away. I just require two things from you. Please ask me for my permission before you touch me, and please explain to me what you are going to do before you do it."

He looked at me and began to explain what he was going to do and why, in great detail. Before he began his examination, he asked me, "Is it alright if I place my hands here and put this tube down your nose?"

What was I going to say, "Naw man, back up off me?!" Of course not. That would be silly for me to go to a doctor and not want them to touch me.

Do you know he did the EXACT same procedure as that woman doctor? I sat just as still as a mummy and did not swing out or get angry. Why? Because I felt that he treated me with dignity and respect. I realized what I needed and asked for what I needed. The visit was wonderful for me.

Know what is important for you. Ask for what you need. Never assume that people know what your boundaries are. Establish those personal boundaries for yourself. Know yourself.

A doctor is a person just like you. A credential does not give them the right to treat you however they want. Just like a stylist, they provide a service TO YOU. It is your responsibility to get what YOU need from that service. Do not be afraid. Speak up. If you value and honor yourself, you will speak up for you! When it comes to your physical body and your health, it is dangerous to rely upon expectations, those being that the doctor will do and say what he or she SHOULD do or say.

To serve you is an honor and privilege. It is not an entitlement or a right of theirs. It is you who are entitled to be treated in a way that you deem is with dignity and respect. Otherwise, like me, it will be your own fault. The raccoon has finally left the building, or the doctor's office, forever I hope.

A woman who knows herself is powerful. A powerful woman is a beautiful woman. Beautify yourselves bit by bit. Ask for what you need. You may not get it, but atleast you asked.

Beautiful but Bitter... There is no such thing!

2009-05-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

No matter how flawless your skin, or how perfect your features or how fabulous your body, if there is any trace of bitterness, there is no way that you can ever be truly beautiful. Beauty emanates from within to without. Bitterness is not a visage contorted and distorted by rage that everyone can see. That is so obvious, most of us could work with that. Bitterness is far more insidious, treacherous, deceitful.

Bitterness comes under the guise of many things.

It's the response we have to a loved one who was taken from us, ravaged mercilessly by disease that we could do nothing about but stand and watch.

It's the response we have when we have given our love, and entrusted it to a significant other, to only have that person cheat, or not appreciate us, disrespect us.

It's the response we have when we have worked so hard for that promotion only to be overlooked and have to watch the opportunity pass to someone that you could run circles around.

It's the response we have when we've extended ourselves to help someone, and inconvenienced ourselves, because we knew it was the right thing to do, to only have others not be available or just not care, in our time of need.

Being hurt and sad and having these kinds of feelings well up inside, initially, is natural. We are human, not perfect. But wait, wait, wait!

Yet and still, you are not excused. You are accountable and responsible for what you think and what you do and how you live. It is so hard to get past those hurts and pains sometimes, but you must.

At first, it is comforting to harbor them and hold onto them. We feel justified and safe, cushioned and enveloped by them. Don't stay there too long. What is comforting today, can easily entomb you and suffocate you, tomorrow.

Everyday, try to release those little hurts. The nasty tone or words of a stranger in the street. The tossing of your package by the disgruntled office worker. The seemingly insensitive remark of a loved one.

All of these things, have absolutely nothing to do with you. They really have no bearing upon who you are. You just happened to be that or whom upon which these people and things acted. No more, no less.

It is important to be vigilant and to guard the core of who you are. Never let another's action, or the events of plain ol' L-I-F-E, the real one, not the game, no matter how unjustified it may seem, change who you are on the inside.

"I'm going to get him back. I'm not going to waste my time on folks anymore. No one helped me when I needed it. I'm not giving up my space. I hope she fails, I had to learn the hard way. Nobody gave me anything..."

and on and on it goes - the chorus of Bitterness.

You have no control over the acts of others, but you definitely have control over what you do, what you think and how you feel and live. Don't pass on bitterness like the contagion that it is.

Just like we strengthen our immune systems, so must we strengthen ourselves. Learn to cope with the good and the bad. Better yet, learn to not deem or call something or idenitify it as being either good or bad.

It just is. Accept it as such.

Pull back, make an assessment of the situation, ensure that YOU have what you need and keep moving.You see, you can never be truly beautiful if you are bitter. Bitterness takes up space and vacuums out the glow of your Soul. It leeches away the heart of the very core of your being.

The next time you want to lift that finger and point and say, "It's because of him, or her or because of it," stop and pause and take a real deep breath. Know that it is because of you and what you have decided to do and how you have decided to REACT.

Shed the bitterness, daily, bit by bit. Before you know it or realize it, it has built up. Conceit is not beauty. Haughtiness is not beauty. Arrogance is not beauty. Insensitivity to others and their needs is not beauty. These are some of the many ways that we choose to protect our very tender, vulnerable Souls and selves. But be careful, it is a disguise. They are all components of bitterness, reactions to what has happened or been done to you.

You are bigger than that. Do some dumping every day. Sit down and breath and count your blessings. Instead of cataloguing all the hurts, catalogue all that for which you are grateful.

Never subject yourselves to having your beauty qualified, "She's beautiful, but..." Instead, take the high road whenever and as best as you can. It is never easy. Often, the reward for being who we are and doing so, may escape us at the time that we do it.

Never mind the not -so -nice- person who seems to be succeeding at the expense of others. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, in their home, in their hearts and in their heads. It's not for you to know or worry about anyway.

It is time to step into the full mantle of your glorious beauty. You can't do it with the tentacles of bitterness hanging, dangling onto your coattails, though.

Don't be fooled about what bitterness is or how it should look. Every day it swipes at you, hooking its vicious claws into your tender skin. It will burrow down, just like a tick, if you are not aware. It is easiest to remove when it is just a mere spot on the surface of who you are. But once it burrows, and digs deep and festers, it is so hard to address and completely remove.

I hope that you are over here because you have committed to being beautiful, bit by bit. Release any bitterness that you may be harboring. Start today. Bitterness not only leaves a nasty taste in your mouth, it marks your face far worse than any physical scar ever will. Leave it behind today, for a more beautiful you tomorrow!

The Science of Protein Treatments on Afro Textured Hair

2009-04-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

I wanted to change it up a little and add a little something about afro textured hair care today.

The scalely thing to the left is not a reptile. That is a strand of hair. It is a strand of hair with the cuticles lifted. On healthy hair, this should be a TEMPORARY state. That means, that lifted cuticles on a hair strand, that has been washed and conditioned and styled usually indicates the hair is not healthy. Conditioned hair will have cuticles that lay flat and tight agains the hair strand.

So, what's going on here? This is a depiction of the protein treatment process. Protein treatments should be done on hair that is recently been washed. Hence, the lifted cuticles come about from the use of soap or some kind of alkaline/basic cleanser.

Once the cuticles are lifted, then a deep and heavy protein product can be applied. Protein molecules are the circle things with the plus sign in the middle. Those are positively charged molecules. The protein molecules tend to be larger molecules and they are attracted to the negatively (-) charged hair! It's always about attraction, heh heh!

The protein molecules are in solution, or in some kind of water product or resin. It is placed on the freshly washed hair, with the cuticles raised, and the molecules gravitate toward the hair.

The protein molecules fill in the gaps, cracks, tears and missing cuticles on the hair strand. This fortifies the hair strand. How?

By filling in the missing scales of the cuticle, on the hair strands, the protein mimicks the undamaged hair structure (cuticle, cortex, medulla). The protein fortifies the natural structure of the hair strand. It does not rebuild it - literally - it sort of coats and fills in. Once you damage a hair strand, it is not very likely you can fix it or heal it.

Thus, protein treatments done on schedule that fits your hair, can be beneficial for your hair. I prefer to use protein treatments that require heat. Why? Because they tend to be in a base that fuses the protein to the strand.

I use protein treatments on my natural hair. They fortify the hair strand and the natural structure of the hair. It is this structure that you must preserve if you want to retain healthy, longer, afro-textured hair.

The Value of a Toothless Man's Compliment

2009-04-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

One time I was working at a corporation. They were expanding and revamping a section in the basement. There was a gentleman working a forklift. As I passed by the doorway, he was begining a 360 on the forklift and our eyes met as a I passed. Both our set of eyes got big when we looked at one another. I can assure you for VERY different reasons.

I heard him click off the motor of that forklift, make a heavy thump as he jumped down and heard his feet scurry toward me. I had on three inch pumps and fitted clothing. I sprinted out of there like I was running track. Now you all know the story doesn't end here...

Fast forward a couple of days later and I bumped into one of my co-workers. She was tall, statuesque, well spoken and pretty. She was gripping her collar, with her palm against her throat, you know how you 'do' when some nasty pervert tries to look down your shirt, or stares at your breast as if they have their own set of eyes. I could see she was uncomfortable and was very bothered and asked her what had transpired.

Well, it turns out that she too had an encounter with the forklift man in the basement. Unlike me, she didn't make a mad dash and sprint away. He approached her and she said he tried to talk to her. She told me that she couldn't believe that he would have the nerve to try and approach her and try to "talk to her" and get her number. Then she added, "Girl, he didn't have any teeth in the front of his mouth, either." She was offended and appalled and disgusted. She repeated, " I can't believe that man with no teeth actually believed that he could get with me." She continued to shake her head in disbelief and her voice reiterated the disgust she felt and had already communicated to me.

I had no idea that the man was toothless! He couldn't have been more than 28 -30 years old. He was very young. But of course, that's not the point.

I looked at her and I said, "You are a very pretty woman. Every body likes and admires beautiful things and beautiful people, even if they don't have teeth." She looked at me like I was crazy. As I write this, I can see why and I am chuckling to myself. But that's still not the point.

What if Mr. No Teeth had been a beautiful man, and had pulled up in a Rolls Royce- instead of a forklift, and had said to her- NOT as the driver, ya'll but as the owner of the car and said,"Hello lovely lady, can I take you to dinner?" Do you all think she would have been as offended? I can't really say for sure, but...I have my thoughts...

What's my point? My point is that for her, the value of the toothless gentleman's compliment was worthless because he had no teeth. I am not saying that his approach was stellar and refined, but let's assume he was being the best person that he could be at the time. I am not saying that his behavior was appropriate or acceptable or that it was not.

What I am saying is that whether somebody is toothless and driving a forklift or fine as wine and driving an expensive car, the value of their respective compliments should be and are the same.

Sometimes ladies, no matter who someone is, rich or poor, at the time it is given to you, a compliment may be the only thing that they have to give. Give them the benefit of the doubt and take that compliment, because it is their gift to you.

If we are balanced and centered, what someone says, whether we deem it to be good or bad, should not impact us either way, anyway. When we are truly 'together', receiving a compliment or not receiving one, getting it from the bum on the street or the gorgeous corporate senior executive ought not make any difference to us.

The next time somebody approaches you with a compliment, understand that it has nothing really to do with you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and a compliment is completely of and from the giver of that compliment. If you keep this in mind, at the forefront of your thoughts and interactions with other people, you will find that no one can shake you intentionally or unintentionally with an unkind word or action.

You will also find that when you do receive a compliment, that it is a gift. And with all gifts, it is the thought that matters, not necessarily the gift itself. Be a cheerful giver, but also be a worthy recipient and receiver.

Whether I get a genuine compliment from a toothless man, or a bum on the street or a beautiful man in my organization, the first thing out my mouth is and I hope always will be, "Thank you very much."

Life Events Will Converge: Fortify Yourself Today

2009-03-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

Converge is defined as to tend to meet in a point or a line, incline toward each other, like lines that are not parallel. I am talking about those kinds of things that make us say, "It's just one thing after another, now what, something else, what next, I can't take anything else, I can't make it, I just can't bear something else." Ever said those words before? I know I have.

One of my many life convergence moments was a serious health diagnosis, being harassed and pushed out at a job, a dying parent, an absent spouse who was forced to stay in a foreign country apart from me due to legal issues, buying a house and having to leave my dying parent for a job in another state.

This is not to say, "My hurt and ouch is worse than yours, or yours was worse than mine." The point is that no matter who you are, life is going to happen. We will have moments of pure joy and exhaltation and moments when we feel like all we can do is go in the bathroom stall and sit and cry for a few moments or want to remain there for days and hours.

It's not what happens to you, it's what you do, how you react. If you fortify yourself today with faith, with good food and love for yourself, when something happens, as in a life event, you will be ready. Be ready for what?

It doesn't mean you won't cry. Because you will.

It doesn't mean you won't feel like giving up. Because you may want to give it. Wanting and doing are two different things.

It doesn't mean that you won't want to escape. Who wants to stay inside a house that feels like it's falling down around you and the walls are closing in around you?

It doesn't mean that you will have a smile on your face and grin and bear it. You may not. But you can throw those shoulders back and keep on stepping.

It doesn't mean that you will be able to give to others during the whole period. You may not. Or, you may be able to focus on someone else and get your mind off of you. I don't know.

What it means is that inspite of what is happening, no matter how painful the situation, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how dark it seems or how bleak and weak the light at the end of the tunnel is...or even if there doesn't seem to be ANY LIGHT at the tunnel

....If you KNOW who you are, You won't give up. It means that you won't turn on yourself and say it's your fault. You won't say you aren't worth it and you deserve to be experiencing what you are experiencing. You will not quit. You may get weary and you may get tired. But you will not quit. When you know who you are and love yourself, you will KNOW that quitting is not an option. You will know that you can and will see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know that
you will make it to that sunny side and feel the warmth of the sun on your beautiful hued skin.

There are two things that you should never forget. The first is that, life is going to happen. The second thing that you should never forget is that you are big enough and powerful enough to make it through- SUCCESSFULLY.

Fortify yourself today. Focus on yourself and your needs. Lavish yourself with authentic love and attention. Get to know who you are. Get to know you. So when life comes barrelling through skidding on two tires and tipped over like an out of control tractor truck at top speed, and just seeming to be out of control, coming at you with a noisy, stinking tire burning slide faster than you can blink, YOU WILL be ready.

Even if that truck of life takes you off the set, 'for eva', up until that point, you would have lived authentically, and fully and with no regrets. You would have fortified yourself for whatever life had or has to offer.

Start today as you never know what tomorrow will bring. It is not about living in fear of tomorrow, but living confidently, authentically, fully: BEING YOURSELF.

You will be taken care of no matter what happens. In the least, do your part and provide some of that care today, for yourself. You have all that you ever need. Keep that at the forefront of your mind. So when life converges, you can go through all the changes and say what you got to say, but you will keep on stepping and come out on the other side literally and figuratively.

For you, the convergence of life events will not be steel against fragile bones and weak flesh. It will be like iron and fire. You will be fortified and better than before, a magnificent sword that is formed and worked by the fire of the convergence of life events, only to be made unbreakable as you cool down and work your way through it.

Magnificence and might, that is what true beauty is all about. Strength comes bit by bit. Beautify yourselves bit by bit. Embrace who you are and you'll make it through.

I've Got Nothing To Give - Ahm...Oh Yes You Do!

2009-03-22T17:42:00.001-07:00

Saturday I was headed to the dump with my husband. We stopped in the gas station because my vehicle was on "E" for empty. I took my cash money and went inside to pay. As I was coming out I saw these two people get out of their vehicle. They looked disheveled and then I recognized the zig zag saunter of somebody drunk or high or both.

As an aside, drunk people are frightening to me. They make me very uncomfortable to the point of being afraid of them. I don't find them amusing or comical like many people do. As I motioned to my husband that he could begin to pump, I inadvertently caught the attention of said drunk person. Uh oh! She was making a beeline toward me. I swallowed and tried to figure out how to avoid her, to escape. It was too late.

She started talking and I wanted to keep going so badly, to ignore her to act as if I didn't hear her. Then she spun on her heels and faced me. Reluctantly, I turned to face her.

She said,"I deserve to get messed up [high/drunk]. I earned this. I need to do something for myself. I got my check yesterday and I just did my daughter's hair..."

When she said hair, ya'll know my eyes lit up. My fear just dissipated. I said, "It looked pretty, too, I bet."

She then reached for her own head and suddenly became remorseful and deeply saddened. She said," I know I look bad. My hair is a mess. My teeth are falling out." She placed her hand over her mouth and dropped her eyes and her shoulders, shamefully.

I lifted her chin and looked at her ebony colored face and suddenly the drunk woman disappeared. In her place I saw a Black woman with flawlessly beautiful skin and a tattered, injured and bleeding soul. The liquor that permeated her skin and had assailed my nose just moments before was now long forgotten. What knocked me back an indiscernable physical step was the palpable pain oozing from her very Soul. I could feel it.

She said, "I am so ugly but my baby is not. They are trying to take my baby from me."

I told her, "You are beautiful."

Then she started to sob. She fell toward me and into my arms. Let me remind you that we are in the MIDDLE of the gas station parking lot. That place between the pumps and the storefront where cars drive through to park when they are not getting gas.

I said, "Let's pray and began to say a well known prayer." At first I thought she was mocking me as she was adding words that were not part of the prayer. Then I realized that it was a merely difference in religion, the bulk of or spoken words was exactly the same. We said, "Amen," together.

She thanked me and told that everybody needed something sometime.

I got in the car and dropped my chin to my chest, feeling defeated and overwhelmed. I told my husband, "I wish I could have done something for her. She is in such pain."My husband looked forward and said quietly,"You gave her what you had, a hug and a word of encouragement. That is what she needed. She even told you so."

I had completely missed this. What someone may need may not be what you are used to giving. What they may need from you, what you may be able to give, may not even be something that yourself perceive as valuable. Never undersestimate who you are, or what you have to give or to offer. You never know whose life you will touch. Who you will help to hold on for just one more moment longer, who you will help make it through the night.

Even if you come 'naked to the feast', with nothing to offer but yourself, you can feed and nourish others more than any main dish ever could or ever will. We are all connected and even if you don't have two nickels to rub together, just because you are YOU, you will always have something to give.

Shift Your Thinking and You Will Shift Your World

2009-03-17T16:34:00.000-07:00

There are things in this world which are probable, meaning perhaps they can happen, but it is unlikely that they will happen. There are things in this world that are possible, and they can happen and are likely to happen. Come here and let me tell you a secret....

In this world, YOU can never really know whether something is unlikely or likely to happen. Two events come to mind for me: the running of a mile under four (4) minutes by Roger Bannister and the election of a Black President.

If you want something, let the world tell you it is not possible, but please don't tell yourself that. You have absolutely no Earthly idea what your capabilities are until you are in that situation.

Put your name in the Universal hat. If you are not in the game, you have no chance to win. How do you get your name in the hat? Put your intention out to the world, fold it into your heart, put it at the forefront of your mind. Write it down, keep it in front of you in your purse, on your mirror, in a special book, and take one action every day that relates to that intention or goal. Think about how you can accomplish it upon arising. Give it to your subconscious upon retiring for bed. Your subconscious needs material...to whisper the answer in your ear like a tender lover, when you least expect it!

The mere fact that you are taking action toward that goal indicates that a shift has ocurred. When you DECIDE on a goal and DECIDE to take an action toward it, you have SHIFTED your thinking. When you shift your thinking, you then enable yourself to SHIFT your actions. When you SHIFT your actions, you eventually SHIFT your world. All those shifts will definitely put you in a different space and place. Why not get there INTENTIONALLY?

Jaime Foxx's Living Color character called Wanda, had one thing right in my opinon. Because she believed it, and said it, "I will rock your world," sometimes with conviction and sometimes without it, eventually it was going to happen. If you think about, she did rock the worlds of all the men she encountered. Maybe not in the way she intended, but there was a shift for them.

You are neither ugly nor need to act 'unintentionally'. No need to rock a man's world. Baby, go rock your own world FIRST. The power to do so is in your hands.

Shift your thinking and you WILL shift your world and eventually, somebody else's, too.

Apex of the Pyramid: Foolish Folly or Meaningful Life Journey

2009-02-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

In geometry, the apex of a pyramid is the point where the edge of the base meets the the top of the pyramid. As fascinating as that may be (not to me), mathematical discipline is neither my forte nor my interest. Pursuing interests, and their results, are MY interests.

My father used to tell me all the time that I should have been a writer. I was into everything and anything. I'd go deep into the details of something, stay their and sucked up what I could, then resurface to get a high level purview, then I would lose interest and move on. My father would tell me that I never stuck to anything and he would shake his head.

I always felt ashamed or sheepish when he caught a glimpse of my new interest via a new book, a new machine - think camera as in photography, or sewing machine as in design. He'd just purse his lips and keep looking forward and try hard and unsuccessfully not to shake his head in disapproval. Today I am a published writer. But that is not the point of this story. I truly believe that pursuing my interests is what brought me here today. Circuitous as my journey may have been, it never has been and never will be foolish folly.

Fast forward to Corporate America. I met a man at a company where I worked. He took a mentorship like interest in me. I had heard that he was a multi-millionaire and was consulting with the company. I had no idea either way. I first saw him in a meeting of my department. He slipped in late. Never having seen him before, I thought he was a new programming guy. Instead of sitting down like the rest of us, the poor sucker perched himself on a table. I was embarassed for him. He didn't know his place yet in the organization. Turns out I was the one uninformed. He was not to be my boss. He was my boss's boss. I got the courage to tell him who I thought he was initially and how I had felt sorry for him. He seemed to be delighted and just laughed.

He made a dream job come true for me. But the funny thing is, this is not why this man is memorable to me. I remember being in his office one day. I told him I was not sure what I wanted to do and what would he suggest. Without hesitation he looked me directly in my face, eye to eye, and said solemnly,

"Always pursue your interests."

I blinked and smiled and said thank you. What I did not realize at the time was that this man had deliverd a gold nugget of wisdom that would serve as a beacon in the darkness of confusion and as a buoy in the stormiest of tempests, for the rest of my life.

Up until meeting him I had been into competitive cheerleading, teaching children and adults, the Harlem Renaissance, race movies, King Louis the XIV of France, Movie Stars of the 20s and 30s, sewing, make-up artistry, writing, foreign language, stints of living abroad, extensive solo international travel, technology, beauty, afro-textured hair, food, fasting and cleansing and several other things.

My interest always ran VERY deep. My delvings into the detail and back out again of these various topics of interest reminded me of a picturesque scene of a dolphin in its natural habitat. You know, how dolphins dive in deep, then leap out and fly over the ocean water seemingly suspended like some beautiful graceful, long studying dancer. That's how I began to see myself, and what I was doing, as something beautiful.

At the same time I was developing an extremely valuable and priceless skill. I was learning how to dive deeply into varied and unrelated subject matter, expose myself to the detail, internalize, analyze and regurgitate it back or put it back out in ways meaningful to others. I had been developing these incredible analytical skills where I learned to make connections within any subject matter. I could take the details and create a high level process for others to quickly understand.

He helped me get a dream job in a foreign country that I absolutely loved. Then the foreign company was bought by a major bank. My most critical and career defining assignment up to that point came to pass. My job was to help transition the Information Technology Data Center and Department over to the new owner, which was Citicorp. If we failed at any point during the process, Citicorp would send in the Big Dogs, fire folks and take over. Oh boy!

Using my knowledge of the culture's protocal, I called leaders in the organization above the level of the person with whom I wanted to get access. I used my language skills to charm and navigate past the secretaries. I used my knowledge of financial organizations to determine what Citicorp needed to see in terms of a plan and to identify who in their organization could give it to me.

I located a person from Uruguay, but who was living in town at the time. He had successfully gone through one of these audits. I used my make up artistry skills and my knowledge of clothing design to 'costume' myself so that I would look like a woman to whom this man might respond positively (as in give me the information I needed without dismissing me).

I used my fearlessness and experience from solo international travel to locate him. He was three hours away, by taxi, way over in some remote part of town. When I got there, a young American woman was in the same room. She was on the verge of being hysterical and inconsolable. She was already in tears. She was talking with someone else in the room I did not know.

The executive that I had travelled three hours to see told me to ignore her. I told him I could not. I excused myself from him and went over to this girl. She was having issues adjusting. The food was making her sick. I used my knowledge of foods and cleansing to suggest what to do. She calmed down and stopped crying...weeks later I found out that she cleansed and healed just fine.

I returned to the executive. He looked at me for the briefest of moments. He studied my face and looked into my eyes. I can't tell you what he was thinking. He proceeded to tell and show me exactly what I needed to do and what Citicorp would look for in my plan and process to be successful. That plan was so successful that it was used as a template and implemented, by the other departments in the organization. I decided that it was in my best interest to leave before I was asked to leave. Yet and still, the plan took them where they needed to go without my physical presence. They were very successful.

Every skill and every interest or some part of it, that I had cultivated or dived into at some point came to play in my experience. You see, I had pursued my interests, all of them. The knowledge and experience that I had gained in the genuine pursuit of my authentic interests had culminated in my success of this critical situation.

Each interest had been like a building block of a great pyramid: the the laying of a steady and rock solid base of a monumental structure. As I pursued my interests, I jumped like the beautiful dolphin from one building base block to another. As I dived into the detail, I spiraled up and built my knowledge.

Every bit of my knowledge, every experience, every detail that I had delved into had prepared me for the culimination of events of that very moment, for that assignment. That assignment was the apex, the point at which everything wonderfully converged.

I am no longer embarassed about seeming to have been or be a "jack of all trades and a master of none." Pursuing your interests is no foolish folly. It is an essential component of a meaningful life journey. If something is genuinely interesting to you ladies and gents, pursue it. Time, opportunity and authenticity on your part, will make the breath taking connections for you on this tumultuous and gratifying ride, called "Your Life Journey".

Lotus Flower: Symptoms versus Core Problems

2009-02-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

A blurb on the cover of a popular women's magazine caught my eye. It read something like, "Fifty Tips to Make You Beautiful in 2009". I excitedly paged through the magazine until I found the article. My excitement drained a way like blood from a gushing wound. Let's look at the source of the bloodletting I experienced.

"If you have red eyes, use a white liner inside the eye. This will make your eyes seem brighter."

"If you have bags and dark circles under your eyes, use a yellow based concealer to minimize them."

Then the article really messed up.
"If you have thin hair, put some hairspray on it to give it volume. If your hair is breaking put it in an updo..."

Ahmmm, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" There was more, so much more. You should have seen me talking back to the magazine, sucking my teeth and rolling my eyes. This article and others like them truly do women a DIS-SERVICE. Did I spell that right? Articles like these feed into the instant gratification syndrome. These kinds of articles help perpetuate dealing with the surface level as opposed to dealing with what lies below. Dealing with symptoms is the surface and dealing with problems are two different things.

If your eyes are bloodshot, you need to look at your food, your lifestyle, the hours you keep, your internal systems. The same goes for bags and jacked up unhealthy hair. Covering up issues just covers up the problem.

Lotus flowers grow in India. The lotus root is eaten and used in many Asian dishes. The lotus flower represents purity for some cultures. The interesting thing about the Lotus flower is that it has petals within petals. The deeper you go into the flower, the more petals you seem to find.

Many people start their hair journey and experience many obstacles and successes. Then they start looking at other areas such as their food and health.

Have you ever started eating better and caring for yourself, started healing and then have another health issue crop up? Did you notice I used "issue" and not problem?

Our bodies want to keep us healthy and alive. Hair is part of that system and can be, but not always is, a barometer of the condition of our health. When a body system or critical organ is in jeapordy, this takes precedence.

What I mean is that the severest issue we have in our bodies gains the most attention. Then, when we address it, something else comes up. Something less threatening - to our bodies.

Many people view this as a regression, a falling back, a getting off track. I disagree. I got this from a Healer, Queen Afua. You see, our bodies work like a Lotus Flower. Our worst issue is like the outermost part of the lotus flower. It gets our attention first. Then, as we address our issue and resolve it and work our way to the innermost part of the flower, and heal deeper, we encounter other issues that were not as critical, but are still in need of healing and care and nurturing.

Eventually, we get to the core or the root of our issue and discover the problem. Core problems require a journey to get to them. They are not symptoms or surface issues. Issues are like signals. They catch our attention and direct us to our destination - the problem, our challenge.

When it comes to being truly beautiful, you are like flowers. You are like the lotus flower. Don't be discouraged by what you find on the outermost petals. Be encouraged and continue on your path to the innermost part of the flower. As you continue your journey whether it be hair, health, beauty or any and all these journeys, read those signs and guideposts correctly.

A petal does not make a flower, but a flower makes a petal. Use symptoms to direct you to the destination, the core problem. Heal as you go and spiral up the path to true beauty.

True beauty is not about addressing symptoms that you cover up and/or hide away. True beauty is about digging deep and nurturing the source and the essence of who you are. If you deal with symptoms, it's like putting lotion on the petals of a cut flower to keep them moist. It's a losing battle. When you beautify at the core, it's like watering a Lotus flower with roots deeply planted in a watery pond. It's alive and has the possibility to be beautiful and growing and healthy.

Water yourselves like lotus flower. Don't waste your time putting lotion on dying petals. Address the problem and the symptoms will go away. Your being will shine and illuminate whomever you encounter and wherever you step.

Bloom and be beautiful, just like the lotus flower.

Mammy: Racist Image or Protective Style Icon?

2009-01-22T17:19:00.000-08:00

How do you feel when you see images such as these? Are you offended, bothered? Do you get angry? Are you pained and hurt?

Images are powerful. Haven't you ever heard the saying, "A picture is worth a thousand words"?

Images are only powerful, if YOU make them powerful.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I do consider these images to be nefarious on some levels.

I have a deep understanding of the historical context of these images and what they mean and what they are 'supposed' to say. When these images are displayed, many people have a visceral or downright physical response to them.
They can indeed be powerful.

But one thing I understand even deeper than the historical context of these images is this: I am far more powerful than any of these images will ever be. I cannot control the diffusion or the perception of this image or ones like it, but I can control myself, how I think, how I feel and how I react.

Unlike the person or persons who are responsible for putting this image out to the world, I see something quite different. I no longer see a demeaning image that seemed to be created to mock and dehumanize a group of people.

For me, this is a great example of what to do when life hands you a lemon. Make lemonade! When I see these images now, my idea of turning a negative into a positive is that I immediately think of hair, afro-textured hair.

I think...

Yeah, this image is powerful to me because you know what, these Sisters' are sporting protective styling. Here's a historical record, the proof of it, dating as far back as 1899 and beyond... and we on the hair boards thought we had started something new by covering our precious afro-textured hair at night! We've taken something old [and tired] and made it new and fresh. Now we use silk and satin instead of cotton.

Mammy is powerful alright. She is the progenitor of a multi-billion dollar personal care business. The question is not, "How many of us afro-textured hair sisters have doo rags, satin pillowcases or some variation that we use for protective styling?" The question is, "How many of us do not?"

An image is what you make it. It just depends on how you choose to look at it. Place your power somewhere else. How about in yourself.

Goals, Growth, Gorgeous: Go For It!

2009-01-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Have you written down your goals for 2009? Have you set a date? Have you backed your goals up with a written plan?

If it is in your head, and not on paper, your goal has about as much of a chance of seeing the light of day as a full head of hair suddenly appearing on a bald man's baby smooth head.

IT AINT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Want to improve the chances for your goal to manifest in real life, so you can see it, touch it, experience it? Write your goals down. Don't stop there, make a plan, write it down. Don't stop there, review upon waking and review it upon just before falling asleep.

See that book cover above and to the right? That is my book I wrote and put on Amazon. That was a nebulous, fuzzy something in my head. When I wrote it down on paper, the plan of "how" transpired. Magically? Nope, but it came eventually.

Got a hair goal? Who cares how 'crazy' it sounds. WRITE IT DOWN! Figure out how to accomplish it. Does your plan have to be perfect? Ahm...ya'll know how I feel about pursuing perfection...No, of course it doesn't have to be perfect.

It must be written though. Setting a hair goal is a lot safer than say...writing a book! But you know what? Goal setting skills are transferable. That means when you set your hair goals for growth and gorgeousness, you can take all that you learned and apply it to another area of your life. Success breeds success.

It is not about being perfect. Beauty is not perfect. Life is not perfect. But you can have a beautiful life that feels like perfection!

Write those goals down and make your dreams come true. Your success blesses the world. Hey ya'll, I am up in this world and I can ALWAYS use a blessing. Gimme a lil' something. Pursue your dreams, your hair goals. Doing so is an obligation, not an option or a luxury.

What are YOU going to do in 2009? Who are you going to bless with the pursuit of your dream in 2009? You never know until you try. Goals, growth, gorgeous: Go for it!

Aguas and Afros: You Can Make Anything Work -It's All About Your State of Mind

2009-01-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

I spent two weeks in Mexico City and some days in the Mexican Caribbean. I decided that I only wanted a carry-on bag. So, that meant no liquid filled bottles. Translation: No hair care products for me on the beach!

I took my toothbrush (for my hair-not for my teeth), my hairbrush and my doo-rag. The only thing I purchased was some gel to hold down the 'fort'.

Every day I would wet my hair and use my fingers to slick it back then gently brush the out of place hairs. I had NONE of MY products except the Xtreme Gel that I am trying to get away from.

You know what? I had one of the best vacations and time of my life.

Do you know why? Because I released the idea of trying to do and be perfect. I took what I had and worked with it. I made the best of what I had. Since I thought it was cute, I projected a confident attitude. I felt good about my hair and how it looked.

It is not about this kind of hair texture or that kind of hair texture. It is about embracing what you have and working with what you've got. It is about knowing that you have done your best with what you have and then moving on from there.

Your state of mind controls how you experience the world around you. You control your state of mind. Aguas and Afros mix just like oil and water. It may not seem like they go together. But once you find the right "binder", you got it.

To make oil and water mix, you have to add a binder like guar gum. It holds the oil and water together to create an emulsion or cream like substance.

To make afros and agua (water) mix, you have to add a binder: the right state of mind. It holds your afro and water together to create perfection out of a less than a perfect situation. In my book, that's excellent. In the end, it's about excellence, not perfection!

Hit those beaches and strut your stuff. Life is to be lived whether that be under the Tuscan Sun, or the Mexican Sun. Get out there. Lead the way. The world knows you are beautiful, but do you know it?

2008-12-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

On hiatus! Back on January 5th, 2009! Gone fishin' ya'll.

How to Strategically Seal Natural Afro Textured Hair

2008-12-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

Many people like to seal their natural, afro-texured hair. Sealing is defined here as holding in the moisture on your hair. This helps to reduce breakage and split ends caused by chronic dryness. I like to seal my hair as well. Once I began to seal my ends, I was able to retain length on my hair. I use a three step strategy. I seal with water, oil then an emulsified cream.

The cuticles on the hair strand operate like a vent. The cuticles lift and then lower. Cuticles lift naturally from certain products such as with soaps and surfactants. Cuticles are then lowered from the perfect balanced vinegar rinse and other conditioning types of rinses.

When you have finished washing and conditioning your hair, ideally, you want to have cuticles that are lowered and closed tightly over the hair strand. Tightly closed cuticles reflect more light, and thus looks shinier and healthier.

With this in mind I like to seal my hair strategically after washing and conditioning.

Apply Water Based Moisturizer - Directly to the freshly cleansed and washed hair. My concoction usually has panthenol, aloe vera and water. Panthenol moisturizes the hair clear down to the scalp. This mix provides moisture and nutrition to the hair.

Apply Oil Based Moisturizer - Directly over the water based moisturizer. It traps the water and nutrients on the hair shaft, slowing down the evaporation of the water based moisturizer. It keeps the moisture on the hair shaft longer.

Apply Emulsified Based Moisturizer - You can usually recognize and emulsified based moisturize because it is usally thick. These are usually thickened with gums (guar gum, gum arabic, xanthum gum, etc) or waxes (beeswax, soy wax) or petrolatum (vaseline, hair grease) or un-petroleum jelly. I prefer the kind thickened with guar gum or the kind with plain old vaseline. Emulsified based moisturizers provide the best sealing properties. They do not stop the evaporation of moisture from the hair strand completely, but they slow it down considerably. Vaseline allows for the least amount of evaporation.

What are you using on your head to seal? Do you use anything to seal your hair?

Tired of the Back of the Bus Treatment for Afro Textured Hair

2008-12-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know that it's a new day, otherwise we wouldn't be seeing the changes that we are seeing in the White House. In America, I know that folks are not relegated to the back of the bus anymore, either. I wish I could say that about hair.

I was over on Amazon.com because I love to check out the new books on hair care. There is a number one book in the category. The premise of the book is fantastic. It mentions how to cut, color and style your hair to look your best. Then the dreaded back of the bus comment shows up:

"This book will show you how to: Identify your hair type... including ethnic hair."

What? I thought the book was for hair, all hair. Why is it that when something pertains to people of color, we are lumped into the 'ethnic group' or section? Isn't EVERYBODY part of some ethnic group?

This is what I mean by back of the bus treatment for afro-textured hair. It is hard enough for us to stretch when we look at these books and magazines because very rarely are their many flattering pictures of afro-textured hair within the covers. So we stretch and overlook it and try to glean what we can from the information that we can apply to our hair.

What adds insult to injury is that not only are there very few pictures, we get the, "Oh yea, by the way we got something for you, too honey. It's in the Ethnic Section".

You can keep your book, and I will keep my money. Who wants to be an afterthought, a secondary focus, another channel to expand their market for money sake? Not me.

You and your afro-textured hair are an economical powerhouse. Can you say 600 billion dollars strong? Would you ignore or treat a market that spends 30% more on personal care products than some groups combined, with 600 billion dollars worth of change jangling in their pockets?

It is time to stop accepting the back of the bus treatment for afro-textured hair. Sit in the front, better yet, get off the bus and purchase your own ride- in cash, of course!

Want to learn more about the powerful African American female consumer?
http://www.huntermillergroup.com/snapshot.html

Stressors Chip Away at Your Beauty

2008-12-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

There are things on which we focus and turn them into stressors. What are those stressors?

Our hair.
Our bodies.
Our finances.
Our jobs.
Ourselves.

It is important to focus on what you control. We cannot control our children or our significant others. We can control how we treat our hair, our bodies, our money, our job and ourselves. It really is about balance. Sometimes though, you have to focus exclusively on one aspect in order to strengthen it. The hard part is trying to maintain the rest while you have your focus on managing the stressor you can control.

Pick something on which you would like to focus. Let me see...I pick hair and hair care! Then go from there. Develop and master one area, maintain the others, then master the next area and keep going from there.

Who wants to have great hair but an unhealthy body? Or a great body, but be broke all the time? That's why it is so important to have balance. Please don't think that I am saying that I have all or any of the answers. I am here just like you, though. Together, bit by bit, we can find our way, right?